Zero Unlimited

Mystery Bread

2007-01-06T10:18:00.000-05:00

Does anyone know who left the bread on my desk? It was totally centered in front of my monitor, which is kind of creepy because that means someone came into the locked area my desk is in.

There's a label that says it's a mini italian loaf. At first I thought some secret admirer had left me a loaf of bread. Lots of guys do stuff like that because I'm so good looking. But then I noticed there were a couple of pieces of bread missing from the center of the loaf. Oh my god you guys, how gross is that? What sort of freak leaves a partly eaten loaf of bread on another persons desk? I really think they were trying to disguise the fact that some bread was missing since the heal was so snug up against the rest of the loaf. And how gross is it that someone had their hands all over some of the bread in order to take those middle slices?

So did anyone see the sick freak that left this stuff on my desk? I'm not sure why anyone would leave partially eaten food on my desk, but I don't want it to happen again. Can't something be done about this type of stuff? I mean, I'm okay with the jewelry that's been left for me by my secret admirer, but I dont' want some weirdo leaving their gross food on my desk.

So knock it off, you guys!

Unfortunate Error in Dinner Dance Invitation

2007-01-02T22:31:00.000-05:00

All ZU employees who have not already opened the email about the celebratory dinner dance party are advised to discard it immediately. Unfortunately the link for the event's website was typed incorrectly. Anyone clicking on the link was immediately brought to an adult website. So please, do NOT click on the link if you are offended by adult practices that should only be undertaken in the privacy of your own home.

We are still unsure whether this was a legitimate error or a prank. I can assure you that if this is found to be one of the famous ZUFUN (Zero Unlimited Fratboy Unholy Nightmare) pranks, it will not be looked upon favorably, and there will be severe repercussions for the participants.

ZU is will have a counselor on site for the rest of the week, and if anyone needs any counseling beyond that, please notify human resources.

We apologize for any inconvenience, and assure everyone that the dinner dance celebration will be held as scheduled.
Kevin Roberts

Search Engine Shenanigans a la ZU

2006-12-05T10:44:00.000-05:00

I would like to take a moment to annouce that one of the most recent hits on our website was because of a search done by someone in England looking for "photograph of abba cat dresses."

We are living in truly international times, people. Thank you for all contributing to our forum so that we can be a part of this global conversation.

Other recent hits on our site have been because of these searches. And no, I didn't make any of these up, they're all from the Site Meter reports.

dandelion killers

old creepy

jeans poisonous chemicals

do kids mistake medicine for candy? (there were a lot of these)

subtle flasher (is that you, Mysterious Stranger, or a cousin?)

candy filled clogs (please don't be alarmed, John)

don't use the soap dispensers (is there something I should know about?)

go to hell kitty baxter (this one was from Taiwan!)

kevin roberts (stop thinking you're such a hottie, dude)

vandalism by employees

Wow. Keep up the good work, you weirdos. Beer and sausages for the Christmas luncheon on ME!!!

Grossest Thing Ever

2006-11-25T16:24:00.000-05:00

Oh my god, you guys! I opened up the door to the lab and a fly just fell on my head. Ewww!! It was so gross. I felt something hit my hair, reached up and it was a fly. I feel so sick right now. That's just so disgusting. How does a fly just fall onto someone's head? It's not like people haven't been going in and out the door all day. I mean, does it just perch up there waiting to swoop down on someone who doesn't like flies in their hair? God if there's one thing I hate it's having bugs in my hair. It just gives me the creeps. Yuck!! If I find out someone set that on top of the door so that it would drop on me, that person will wish they'd never been born. Creep!

Vote for a Company Slogan

2006-11-24T13:17:00.000-05:00

As most of you are aware, ZU is entertaining the idea of a new slogan. Suggestion boxes were put in each zone of the complex so that employees can feel a part of the slogan making process. So let's take a look at the suggestions from zone six.

top secret product development is our middle name
we've got the lunatic Freeman, what have you got
protecting your future from the evil of clogs
the most trusted name in Top Secret Production
this is not your personal war
damn, that's fine monkey
you'll hire us and you'll like it
top secret solutions for a world spinning violently off it's axis
we don't experiment on your children
we're ripe with monkey powder
trust us or die
if you don't stop bugging me, I swear I'll kill you
Zeppelin Rocks!!

I'm sorry to say many of the suggestions used completely inappropriate language and were not included in this selection.

Strange and Creepy, yes it's ZU

2006-11-10T13:31:00.000-05:00

Hello. The Mysterious Stranger here. I just thought our employees would be interested to know that even though this is a blog to disseminate information to the ZU workforce, that the top keyword searches for people coming to our little slice of heaven is:

1. strange conversations
2. old creepy names
3. turkey dressed as Santa

I'd say this sums up our workplace pretty accurately.

Are Your Pants Missing?

2006-10-27T12:03:00.000-04:00

I was just the main corridor in zone six where all was fine and dandy until I started down the hallway that branches off towards Research.

I decided to take a short cut through the Rally Room – which I believe is more commonly referred to as Lunatic Freeman’s “Night of the Long Knives” Room - when I practically stumbled across a pair of jeans on the bottom row of the bleachers.

I’m don't mean new or laundered jeans which someone accidentally forgot. I mean jeans that were worn as the person entered the complex! Not only did these jeans have a belt, but they still somewhat retained the shape of the wearers legs!

This is most disturbing as I am not sure if some poor fellow is wondering where his pants are, or if there is a not so subtle flasher somewhere in the building. People mistakenly leave their coffee cups all over the complex, so perhaps someone wasn’t thinking clearly and mislaid their jeans.

Could everyone please look down and see if they are still wearing their pants? I think this would solve the problem quickly.

We're Changing Our Name

2006-10-19T19:56:00.000-04:00

Dudes, I just want to let everyone know that our department voted on a name change last night. So from now on, the Department of Facility Maintenance (DFM) will be known as Facility Maintenance (FM).

Everyone was sick of hearing the jokes about our department being called Dumbfounded Men. So now we're just FM, and no more jokes about us being stupid because Founded Men doesn't make any sense.

And before anyone gives me crap about this, I'm just the person who was elected to make the announcement, not the one who came up with the new name.

Employee Handbook Vandalism

2006-08-04T08:23:00.000-04:00

I am glad to hear that many employees have already complied with the request to read the Hazardous Waste section of the Employee Handbook. However it is upsetting to hear that almost all of the handbooks have been vandalized.

There have been many complaints about comments that were written in the section entitled "How do I determine if I generate Hazardous Waste?" It is not appropriate, nor amusing, to write insults in the handbook about employees with flatulence or bowel problems.

This also applies to the sections entitle, "Is my waste listed as hazardous waste?" and "Still confused if your waste is hazardous?"

Hazardous Waste is a serious safety issue, not only for our employees, but also for the environment. Please be more sensitive to the feelings of those you work with and stop writing in the handbooks. We don't need another fiasco like last years Martian Death Book debacle.

Hazardous Waste is No Laughing Matter

2006-08-02T09:52:00.000-04:00

I'd like to remind everyone working in the labs that any hazardous waste must be disposed of properly. I'm not sure if people don't know how to identify dangerous chemicals or whether they are just plain lazy.

Therefore, anyone who works in the labs, maintenance, shipping, and the administration of those departments need to read the Hazardous Waste Determination and Disposal section of the ZU Employee Handbook. Copies of the handbook are available in the conference room in each zone.

If we all comply with these important safety issues, ZU will be a safer and happier place to work.

Strange Conversations

2006-08-01T09:05:00.000-04:00

I swear I just heard someone walk past my desk say something to themselves about finding a "five-pound bag of poop" ... I think I've been working here too long.

What is that Moo-ing?

2006-07-27T15:51:00.000-04:00

I just heard moo-ing coming from the hallway. Does anyone know what it is? My office can't agree. So far the guesses are:

a cow is running amuck in the corridor
Mr. Freeman has decided to hire a cow to patrol the complex
the sex offender in the freight area is pretending to be a cow again
Mr. Freeman has decided to lift Kevin's ban on "Cow on a Forklift" Day
The retarded kid from down the street has snuck into the complex again

Can anyone confirm what is going on? Or is it more of Mr. Freeman's shenanigan's again?

Truly I fear that we shall soon see one of the following entering our office, and I'm not sure which is more horrifying, especially when they have guns or flames coming out of their mouths.

Filing Rubber Chickens?!

2006-07-13T15:30:00.000-04:00

Who has been leaving the rubber chickens all over the place? I went to file some papers and found one with its head sticking out of the filing cabinet and the drawer closed on its neck. Then I heard that someone over in Finance found one in their "In" tray.

I mean, what the heck are we supposed to do with something like this when we find it in the office???

Sincerely,
Patricia Geraghty
Clerical Staff

Gas Leak?

2006-06-22T12:11:00.000-04:00

Oh my god, you guys! What is that smell? It smells like gasoline, natural gas, or some type of chemical is being pumped into the building. It's really gross and very strong. Everyone is worried about what sort of fumes we're breathing.

Figures its only staff here right now. You know if the big shots were here, they'd fix it right away. But we're only administrative, so they're going to wait to send someone over to see if we're being poisoned or if the office is going to explode.

We called the OSHA office, but they told us to call maintenance because their director is doing a seminar. Then we called maintenance and they told us to call OSHA. Oh my god you guys, they told us to call YOU!? Then they said to call some other guy, which is just riduculous. If this poisonous chemicals, we're all going to the hospital because no one wants to get off their ass and do their job.

Everytime we call maintenance, they totally blow us off. I swear, what is the use of paying them when their whole attitude is "that's not my job, call someone else"??!! I'll bet if I was shot by a disgrunted person and needed help, I'd have to go to their web site, find the proper form, put in my thirty six digit account number, and wait weeks for them to respond.

I think we're going to have to die before anyone takes care of this.

Security Door Damaged

2006-06-19T11:07:00.000-04:00

Last month all ZU employees were notified that there would be a security key card system installed on the zone eight basement door. This was also discussed during the mandatory employee meeting. And before anyone asks, yes that was the meeting that has come to be known as "The Day of Meat Mayhem".

Since the card system was installed last week, my office has received numerous complaints. So let me make this perfectly clear - in order to access the basement in zone eight, employees need an ID card that has been activated to open that door. Here is a basic primer for using the security system.

When the light is red, the door is locked. No amount of pulling or pushing will open it. This is a security system, people. Please refrain from damaging the door by throwing objects or yourself against it.

To open the door, wave your ZU issued security key card in front of the red light. If done correctly, the light will turn green, and you may open the door. Please note that not all cards open this area. Access has been given only to the people who need to enter as part of their jobs.

So let's recap, shall we?

Do not kick, punch, stab, or attempt to burn the door.
Do not throw yourself up against the door or use other employees as battering rams.
You must use an officially issued ZU security key card. Using ID cards from other places of employment, like KFC or Embassy Suites, will not work.
If you do not need access to this area as part of your employment, your security card will NOT allow access to this area.
It is not appropriate to stand next to the door waiting for someone with authorized card access so that you can follow them into the basement.
Painting the security light green is not helpful in any way.
Not only do you need your card to get into the basement, you also need it to get out. In other words, if you find a way to sneak into the basement, you'd better be able to sneak out the same way - although I would strongly advise you not to sneak in.

I hope I've made myself clear. If there are any other problems with people trying to dismantle or destroy the security system, they will be dealt with quite harshly.

Kevin Roberts

Barbecue Nutjobs

2006-06-15T15:41:00.000-04:00

Dear people of ZU:

I try to be helpful and courteous when I can, but sometimes members of our staff completely boggle me. Today has been a long and frustrating day, as those of you in our zone well know.

Please -- if you have inquiries about a ZU event, please go to the event's coordinator to ask your question. Perpetually lingering around my desk and badgering me for an answer to a question I have no authority, information, or desire to answer is a foolish waste of time and the longer you do it, the better chance there is that something is going to fly off my desk and hit you in the face.

Case in point: If you want to know anything about the staff barbecue tomorrow, DO NOT ask me. I am just a fellow employee, following in the wake of wafting aromas from the grilling burgers and the tang of potato salad and mustard. Your inquiries should be directed to a party concerned with the arrangement of said event, such as Hal Marveson, perhaps also known to you as the Chair of the Safety Committee. As was plainly stated in the memo that came from Mr. Freeman's office two weeks ago when preparations began, Mr. Marveson is the sole contact point for details about the barbecue. He would LOVE to answer your questions. You should be beating a path to his cubicle, instead of making an annoyance of yourself at mine.

Thank you.

Lila Couchon
Executive Assistant to the CEO

Dandelion Killers!!!

2006-06-09T09:44:00.000-04:00

I received this memo (see below) the other day, and I can't imagine why people are freaking out over there being too many dandelions!!! You people -- it's no wonder you're all so miserable. I can't believe anyone even brought this up as an issue.

Disgusted by dandelion killers,
Patricia Geraghty
Clerical Support
---------------------------------------------------------
MEMO:
ZU Begins Implementation of Integrated Pest Management Practice

As of June 5, 2006, the corporation has stopped routine blanket or preventive applications of pesticides to the complex's lawns.

Please be assured that concern for human health is paramount in any decision to use pesticides at ZU. ZU has never applied pesticides to the lawns in ZU's child care play areas. The lawns were sprayed in response to complaints regarding high populations of dandelions in some areas. All spraying was done by licensed applicators in accordance with federal, state and local regulations. This said, Zero Unlimited recognizes that legitimate concerns for human health including but not limited to Multiple Chemical Sensitivity, environmental syndrome, and allergies, and concerns for ecosystem health trump aesthetic concerns for dandelions growing in university lawns.

Facilities Management has in-hand a written draft Integrated Pest Management (IPM) policy submitted by ZU Consultant Darla Fritter-Mangleybough that has been favorably reviewed by EPA's Regional Office and the State Board of Pesticides Control. Facilities Management expects to formally adopt a written IPM plan before the beginning of the fall. Spot applications of pesticides may be made as permitted by the draft IPM plan but only when appropriate thresholds for identified pests are exceeded and less-invasive interventions have been unsuccessful in addressing a legitimate problem.

Fred Putter
Zero Unlimited
Environmental and Economic Sustainability Office

Dumb As a Piece of Paper

2006-06-05T13:29:00.000-04:00

Some people were born as dumb as a piece of paper. In these cases, I will feel free to treat you like one. For instance, if you come up to me and want to reorder an item that has to be special ordered for you:

DO:
1. Ask me to reorder it BEFORE you run out. Put a sticky-note on the next to last one you have in your desk that says "IT IS TIME TO ORDER MORE. GO TELL HENRIETTA!" if you have to. You would be surprised at how well this actually works.
2. Describe the item accurately. The label or packaging from the last batch is extremely helpful if you know your brain doesn't work well enough to tell me yourself in plain terms.

DON'T:
1. Get all wound up and freak out on me because you ran out of something without properly planning for that eventuality. No, I don't think a bunch of GNOMES stole the last of your adding machine paper. Perhaps you ate it for lunch one day in a fit of ravenous hunger?
2. Ask me to order "some of those things, you know, like the other ones?" No. See #2 under "DO" above.
3. Decide not to give me the very useful label from the last batch of the item you want re-ordered because you accidentally tore it in half while opening it. SOME of us know how to use scotch tape, and how to put TWO MEASLY PIECES of something back together again to make a useable whole.

Please follow these simple and helpful hints. You will find it much easier to re-order things without me sitting at me desk in front of you and staring at you as though you were a talking piece of paper.

Yours truly,
Henrietta Clark
Purchasing Agent

P.S. If pressed by the repetition of such behavior, I will consider it allowable to also try to write on you.

Keep Old Creepy Away From Me

2006-06-02T11:44:00.000-04:00

Look, I know I'm pretty and all, but I don't enjoy attention from guys who are weird and creepy. That creepy janitor guy keeps stopping by my desk, waving from out in the hallway, and talking to me. Ew! He's so creepy.

I don't know if he's bothering anyone else since guys always are more interested in me than other girls. And don't tell me I'm conceited or anything. It just shows your jealousy, which is a bad trait that makes guys hate you. I can't help it if I'm prettier than other girls.

What was I saying? Oh yeah, so Old Creepy comes up to me and says, "Did you hear on the radio that the RHCP are getting sued?" I asked him why, and he just stands there staring at me. Then he says "Oh.......I can't think of that guys name.... he reminds me of Bob Dylan......who is he...."

Oh my god, I couldn't believe it. He stood there for like three minutes, just blankly staring at my little kids in big hats poster, and saying that he couldn't remember the guys name. It was so totally lame, I couldn't believe it.

I wanted to scream at him to go away, but I figured I'd wait to see how long it took him to either figure out the guys name or leave. No joke, that idiot kept standing there until he came up with the brilliant description that the guy has blonde hair and Johnny Depp was in his videos.

That is so not cool because no one but a Johnny Depp fan would be able to figure out who it was with those lameass clues. Luckily I am Johnny's biggest fan at ZU, so I asked if it was Tom Petty, and Old Creepy said it was. But then the guy couldn't even remember why they were being sued. I mean, why did he even mention it if he didn't know the guys name or why they band was getting sued? Can anyone do something about this type of harrassment?

Watery Vengeance

2006-06-02T11:13:00.000-04:00

I hope whoever keeps peeing on the seats in the ladies room gets a bucket of pee dumped on their head in a visitation of watery yellow karma.

Arrrgh!!!

I would make a joke about "being pissed off about it" but I'm too mad.

--Henrietta

Knock off the skeleton pranks!

2006-06-02T10:58:00.000-04:00

Hey idiot! This is not a good idea. It behooves me to tell you that not only are your skeleton pranks stupid and unoriginal, but now they are dangerous and potentially costly.

Did you not notice the biohazard sticker on the front of the fridge? There are biopsies in here. Do you really want to risk being exposed to Hepatitus B or some other serious contagion?
Since the fridge can not be properly sealed due to the freakin' arm wedged in it's door, the constant temperature that is necessary to store the biopsy samples may have been compromised.
We all know Skippy has a delicate constitution, and his distress over the missing skeleton limbs is over the top. I can't take another day of him sobbing.

So as far as your "funny" pranks, knock it off!!!

Jerking My Gherkin

2006-05-31T14:58:00.000-04:00

Listen, if you losers would just stop trying to involve me in your histrionic dramas, things would get a lot more pleasant around here.

Exhibit A:
I'm trying to zip in and out of the ladies' room before I go off to do all my lunch hour errands. Ms. Annoying (who will remain nameless, though my heart seethes with bile whenever she walks near, so that should be a good clue if you're ever nearby) accosts me at the door, and approaches me in a manner that indicates she is taking me into her confidence about something very important, sort of leaning over and lowering her voice, hand extended, as though to draw me into her sticky confidence. I am in a rush but she brooks no avoidance. Argh! No, I have to stand there, the bathroom door half closed in her face, and listen to her freaking out about something as if it is something I should care about.

What was that something, you ask? Oh, she "thought I should know" that when she was in the basement file storage room with her supervisor, dredging up some long-ago-filed information for the hated auditors, that he asked why her reports were filed in two 3-ring binders per month instead of one larger one. I responded, trying to move her story along, "Well of course, because the larger binders are exponentially more expensive, so in the upside-down world of office supply finance, two binders are cheaper than one," to which she leaned over, the glint of vindictive villainy in her normally dull eye, and said with great relish,"Well HE said that was not a decision for YOU to make." !!!

To which I said, "Well, he hasn't talked to me about it yet." At which point she tried to continue her rabble rousing at which point I repeated myself and allowed the bathroom door to swing shut in her potato face.

That little cretin! She assumes that I care. If her supervisor really cared he would have already addressed this point with me. Which he hasn't. She assumes everything SHE cares about is the end-all and be-all of everyone else's existence, and that we should get all worked up about HER issues. Well it WORKED. I had a miserable rushed lunch in between errands and I hope one of those binders gets up and BITES HER IN THE NECK I really do.

Rash of Thefts

2006-05-31T11:29:00.000-04:00

Well someone is on a klepto spree. Not only (I notice) are skelton limbs disappearing, and koolaid, but also missing is a brand new bottle of Advil from the first aid kit near Clerical. I just put a full bottle in there last week, and when I went to get a couple for myself this morning, it was completely gone. Who's the jerk?!!

Also, Henrietta mentioned that the container Clorox disinfecting wipes that she put in the ladies' room is also missing under mysterious circumstances.

What is with you people?! Do you know how hard it is to get Mr. Freeman to shell out the dough for the Advil? It takes WEEKS for the PMS comments to finally stop. Which is especially annoying (not to mention embarrassing) at staff meetings and during meetings with representatives from other companies. Which is not to say that I haven't tried locking Mr. Freeman in the supply room during them, because I have. I think there might be a trap door in there somewhere because it never fails. Out he pops, at the most inopportune moment!!!

ARGHH!!!

Signed,
Patricia Geraghty
Clerical Support

Skeleton limbs in the restroom again

2006-05-30T16:29:00.000-04:00

Dudes, you have got to stop messing around in the restrooms. Old Mrs. Carlisle nearly had a heartattack when she found the arm and leg of Capn Gobbler in the ladies room in zone three.
It is so not cool to scare someone's grandma, dudes.

I'm serious, dudes. I was sweeping up and I hear this totally heinous screetch. Then Old Mrs. Carlisle staggers out the restroom door clutching her chest, babbling about dead people and murder. I thought she was going to croak right on the spot.

After I got some lady to watch her and call security, I went into the bathroom and found it was just someone playing one of those lame insane-mutant-serial-killer jokes again. Dudes, it's just not cool. Also, everytime you steal part of Capn Gobbler, I've got to listen to Skippy down in research cry, like someone stole his baby or something. That guy is such a sally.

Stop Stealing Cap'n Gobbler's Limbs!!

2006-05-24T09:34:00.000-04:00

Would whoever stole the right arm and leg of our skeleton, Cap'n Gobbler, from zone five's lab, please return them? This isn't the first time it's happened, and the joke wasn't funny the first time.

Also my fruit punch is missing. I suspect the bone thief is the culprit.

Coffee Pots Gone Postal?!

2006-05-19T07:44:00.000-04:00

I came in this morning and when I tried to make coffee found that both the coffee pots and the drip basket were missing from the coffee machine. I looked all over the place -- the maintenance closet, the ladies' room, even the men's room, thinking someone might have left them there absentmindedly after cleaning.

Finally I was about to give up, and looked into the mail room on a random whim, and there they were, sitting next to the postage meter. What, did the postage meter suddenly decide it needed coffee?!

Argh,
Patricia Geraghty
Clerical Support and Coffee Sherlock

Warning: Children in the Building!

2006-05-18T14:31:00.000-04:00

Can anyone tell me why there are a gaggle of girls outside my office? I'm not sure where they are, but I can hear them talking. I'm sure they're from that group of youngsters I saw walking through the complex early this morning. I thought that it was a school group tour of the safe areas of the complex as there were a few adults herding them along.

Does anyone else hear or see teens in their zone? They're easy to spot as they all have either yellow or blue tshirts on, and they often seem to be engaged in some sort of group activity. They seem very positive and upbeat, but I worry that they will soon end up in the men's lavatory just like the children's orchestra did last summer. It's very unnerving.

Could whoever authorized them security clearance for the complex, please warn us in advance? It can be disruptive to turn a corner in the hallway and run into children who look like this- Except their clothes actually look more like this, except even more unnaturally happy-

Find the Stench

2006-05-12T08:15:00.000-04:00

Does anyone know what that stench is in the restroom in zone five? It's bad enough that we have an automatic air freshener in there since it ends up making one end of the room smell as if it's been doused with perfume while the other end reeks. Not to mention that whenever it goes off, it sounds like someone else is in there hiding in one of the stalls.

The stench has been getting stronger all week. At first I thought the smell was the normal bunch of clogged toilets, but the smell is now so strong that I almost lost my lunch. It's sort of a sulphur smell, or like an old outhouse. My gag reflex goes off just walking in there.

Is maintenance working on this? We've got a development conference next week and the smell of human waste is not going to be conducive to a successful outcome. Also can anyone tell me why the toilets in zone three are usually clogged or there is no paper in the stalls? Zone two's restrooms are always sparkling clean and have a vase of fresh cut flowers. Why can't all zones have restrooms that people aren't afraid to use?
Roger

PS. Did we ever finish work on the Stenchometer? That would be very useful here and might stop the bad smell before it got bad enough to be called a stench.

Cashmere on Rocks and Hard Places

2006-05-11T16:23:00.000-04:00

Ms. Couchon wanted me to be sure to tell all of you about an exciting upcoming meeting. She is forcing me to type politely. So here is a copy of the flyer for you all. The meeting is on May 23rd from 4-7pm. I will make sure there is good food there, unlike last time when there was nothing but that hummus crap with some grapes on the side.
See you there,
Your Boss,
That Guy,
Mr. Paul Freeman

Brad Taylor is a Loser

2006-05-11T13:38:00.000-04:00

I don’t know if you guys know Brad Taylor in Receiving, but if anyone is thinking of buying his truck, don’t. He’s such a loser. I hope he runs his own head over with that stupid truck.

At lunchtime Brad and I went on a test drive because I was thinking I might buy his truck, but Brad is so retarded that he totally blew it and he doesn’t even understand why, which makes him a double loser.

First, it is not cool to grope someone during a test drive, especially when they are thinking of buying your beat up, stupid truck. Second, it’s even worse when you make up some lame excuse about trying to roll down the window but a piece of sand got in your eye. Even through a haze of sand a breast doesn’t look like the handle of a car window.

I mean, guys are always making passes at me and trying to grope me because I’m pretty. It’s really lame, but the only thing lamer than you is your truck. It doesn’t have a tailgate, Brad, which basically sucks. But you said you thought you had the tailgate in your garage, which was the only reason I was thinking about buying it. What good is a truck without the tailgate?

But you’re such a loser that you actually told me that if I wanted the tailgate, you would sell it to me – SELL?!?!?!!? You take the stupid tailgate off the stupid truck and now you want to charge me for including it with the truck? What planet do you live on, loser? What are you going to do with the tailgate for a truck you don’t own? What a retarded loser you are Brad.

I hope you choke on a sandwich and no one’s there to give you that hors d'oeuvre move or whatever they call it. My boyfriend wants to beat the hell out of you Brad, but I’m not going to let him because he’s much scarier when he stalks people.

Who Is Responsible for the Doggo Letters?

2006-05-05T16:00:00.000-04:00

Who is sending me mail titled “Doggo Pharama cy”. I’m not sure what that means because the letter is completely indecipherable. It just seems to be random letters placed in a column. Is this some sort of code? Who has the key? If there’s a new top secret code, I should be informed of this.

I know we have many top secret projects in development, but I’ve never heard of Doggo Pharama Cy before. Is that the joint project we’re working on with the Italian government?

Or is it some new type of dispensing unit shaped like a dog which delivers drugs to the customers thus enabling pharmacists to remain behind bullet proof glass, ensuring that customers get their medication and pharmacists avoid having a gun stuck in their ribs while a high-as-a-kite dirtbag screams “gimme the oxycontin, dude” in their ear?

Shoddy Work Will Not Be Tolerated

2006-05-04T09:59:00.000-04:00

Yesterday an envelope was returned to me that should have been delivered via our mailroom to someone in zone six. Scrawled on the envelope were the words, "not in zone six." As we're not always kept up to date on promotions and job changes due to the sporadic nature of the company newsletter, I assumed that the person had gone to another job and the mailroom didn't feel like looking the name up in the company directory.

The name on the envelope was familiar and I thought I knew who it was. But as I pondered this, I realized that I was wrong, and that the woman's name on the envelope had left ZU over a year ago.

The letter was dated March 17, which is when I was on leave for surgery. I was upset and confused as to who told the secretary in our office to send out a letter with my name on it to a person who had not been with the company for over a year. It looks extremely unprofessional and I do not want to take the fall for something I did not do.

As I was getting ready to browbeat Annie unmercifully to find out who instructed her to type this letter, I noticed that the date on the letter was March 17, 2005????!!!!!!!

Where has this letter been for the past thirteen months?!?! As it was sent when the woman worked here and never had to leave the complex, just where the heck was it? It seems that it must have been lost in the mailroom as they just returned it with the scrawl about it being for someone "not in zone six."

I know we've had complaints about not getting mail before, but this is outrageous! I'd like to hear others thoughts or experiences, and see what we can do about this ridiculous lack of competence.

Thief in the Building!! Thief!!!

2006-04-27T11:33:00.000-04:00

My wallet was stolen from my office today. I made a report to security and did everything else I need to do. I just wanted people to beware, remain vigilent, and be careful not to leave their office doors unlocked.

I am not sure what happened. The department has been busy all day, but I did leave my office unlocked. The door was closed while I was away, and most people don't go around trying office doors when they're closed. Bill and Magda were in their offices all day, and Matthew was cleaning down the hall. I'm really not sure how anyone could have gotten in without someone seeing them.

I did let a man use my office phone, and stepped out of the office to give him some privacy. He said he was a parent looking for his son who was on crutches and needed a ride home. A young man on crutches did appear, but they headed towards the center of the complex rather than towards the front of the building. Not sure if this is anything, but if you see a young man on crutches with an older man in an orange hunting vest, be wary.

What is done is done, but please beware and careful. I'd hate to have anyone else loose their wallet or purse. Who knows where it is now.

Lost voice mail

2006-04-14T16:30:00.000-04:00

Hi, If somebody tried to call me Thursday morning, I lost the voice mail message. It was from a phone within the complex. Please call back........thanks

Sustainability Gadgets

2006-04-14T16:25:00.000-04:00

I need to know who has these and when they will be returned to me.....?

Spaghetti

2006-04-14T08:33:00.000-04:00

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Gnomeville... how preposterous

2006-04-13T15:04:00.000-04:00

How can you have a Gnomesville with no gnomes?

Incidentally, I had nothing to do with the alleged gnomes and their non-existant disappearance. But you should check out that pirate's mudflaps. If you cared about gnomes that didn't even exist.

Correction for those who deal with Finances

2006-04-13T11:30:00.000-04:00

I need to correct and clarify the memo that was sent to department heads last week. There was confusion surrounding the policies for the 60-day limit associated with the Costs Transfer Policy (CTPs) vs. the limit associated with the return of Monthly Financial Review Forms (MFRs).

The policy on the return of the MFR sheets has been, and continues to
be "To ensure that adjustments are posted in the month following the
original postings, the Monthly Financial Review Sheet (MFR) is due
within 25 days after the monthly closing."

Mr. Freeman also wanted me to mention that there are Porcupines Invading Gnomesville (PIGs). I'm really hoping there are some porcupines near the gnomes in the employee garden behind the complex. Otherwise I'm afraid to consider what hes talking about as he seems to enjoy saying filthy euphemisms around the office.

All Clear in the Complex

2006-04-12T11:27:00.000-04:00

The bomb squad has finished searching the building, and everyone may come back to work. They did find a small package that was ticking, but it turned out to be metronome. In the future, please do not bring any packages that might tick into the building.

I have also been asked to remind you that no animals are allowed in the complex, except those needed to accommodate legally defined handicaps. In the bomb squad's search, they found dog mess in one of the rooms. Maintenance will need to clean this up and that is something they should not have to be asked to do.

I have also had an unsubstantiated report of a pack of ravenous dogs running through the subterranean tunnel under zone seven. Anyone going into that area should proceed with caution.

Bomb Threat

2006-04-12T08:34:00.000-04:00

Dear ZU Employees:

We have received three bomb threats this morning. As a result, the entire complex is being evacuated. All employees should leave immediately. Please take your personal belongings.
All shifts are cancelled until 4 p.m.

Here is what we know right now. Two separate calls were placed to Mr. Freeman’s office, and a call was made to maintenance. The callers said that there are two bombs in the complex. No locations were provided. We cannot yet determine if a single individual placed the calls.

I am working with the bomb squad and will place a message on the emergency line when the complex has been declared safe. Please do not go back to work without verifying that it is safe via the emergency line. Mr. Freeman had to be dragged out of his office after demanding that some employees remain in the building to prevent looting.

There was also an unfortunate incident when he asked Stanley to stick his head into the furnace to see if the bomb was inside. As all employees should know, it is expressly forbidden to put any body part into the furnace due to last years “Stick Your Wig in the Furnace” debacle.

Permanent Marker on Marker Board?!

2006-04-06T09:01:00.000-04:00

Listen, I realize that we all can't be geniuses, but we should all be able to use common sense (with the possible exception of Mr. Freeman)!

Yesterday someone came into my office having a small fit because someone had left a permanent marker on the rail of the big markerboard on the conference room wall. They were mad because they had written all over the board with it, and not realized their mistake until they tried to erase the board.

Which brings me to a couple of points:

1. Dry erase markers don't look like any other kind of markers. If you are reaching for a marker in a well-lit room and are not visually impaired yourself, you shoul have no problem distinguishing a dry erase marker from a permanent marker.

2. If you are oblivious enough to have flubbed up in the above manner and managed in the process to deface an extremely expensive office fixture, accept culpability for the fact and don't freak out because "there shouldn't even be a permanent marker on the dry erase board marker rail!!!" Have a sense of accountability. If you make a mistake, don't try to shift the blame to a scapegoat. It just wastes time and makes you look like even more of an idiot.

Fresh & Frozen Meat?!

2006-04-03T15:54:00.000-04:00

Who is the freak that put this on my desk? And what exactly is it you are trying to imply? Have I ever said anything that would indicate I have development experience with fresh or frozen meat?!!!

And why was "abreast" highlighted in three different colors? You people are really deluded if you think this is the kind of trick it takes to make me back down. I'll see you all at the next staff meeting, don't doubt it.

--------------------------------------------------------
OUTSTANDING OPPORTUNITY to join well-established food products company! Position is available IMMEDIATELY, due to expansion and product demand. Offer your Product Development experience with fresh &/or frozen meat/poultry products. You will develop product formulations, conduct new product development project concepts through commercialization. Improve products and processes. Apply new ingredients and technologies. Produce samples for presentations. Receive ingredients, packaging, and equip. samples for the test kitchen. Visit and audit vendors. Represent company at meetings and expositions. Keep abreast of emerging ingredients/technologies, and market trends. MUST HAVE B.S. in Food Science or related, combined with PRODUCT DEVELOPMENT experience in Fresh or Frozen meat products (poultry preferred).

Safety Alert

2006-03-21T12:03:00.000-05:00

I don't want to alarm anyone, but we have reports of a sasquatch in the building. Do we have a safe room to go to until the marauding bigfoot is removed from the complex? It seems like he'd be a danger to all of us since he has the strength to rip our heads off and use them as weapons.

The Supernatural Killer Killer

2006-02-28T01:50:00.000-05:00

Dudes, I was down in the toxic sludge area when Freeman jumped out and scared the hell out of me. So I started telling him about a dream I had last night about that creepy big headed King that stands outside peoples windows, and gets into bed while they're asleep just so he can give them this massive sandwich full of strange meat.

The King was this supernatural being and he was killing everyone in the complex. It was scary, dudes, real scary. We were all running around trying not to get killed. Then a group of us decided that we'd had enough and went to set a trap for the King dude. We were all wedged in between some folding tables waiting for him to appear. We heard this spooky noise, but then I woke up.

Anyways, that leads to todays invention, which Freeman told me to post here. So here goes:

The Supernatural Killer Killer
Horror movies are full of innocent kids and adults who think they're safe from killers, especially supernatural ones. But it only takes a chance meeting with a spooky killer when you're on a dare in an abandoned insane asylum to set you straight. But then you're dead so it doesn't matter. Dudes, no one wants to end up mangled by some scary supernatural killer. Seriously, that's pretty brutal.

So step right up to buy the latest product to keep away killers of every kind. But it's especially for those heathen supernatural killers that step out of your nightmares, or just show up suddenly out of nowhere because the kids next door where playing with a ouija board and now there's a big bunch of evil running around town. Dudes next door, that is so not cool.

Where was I? Oh yeah, the Supernatural Killer Killer can be attached to your headboard, hat, or even your wrist. Whenever a supernatural killer gets within one mile of you, a loud warning sensor is activated to let you know that you'd better lock your doors and get the hell off the street. That should keep you out of harms way.

But if you happen to be walking around and aren't near your home, or if somehow the supernatural killer teleports through the walls of your house, or comes out of a dream, the Supernatural Killer Killer still has you covered. Just put on the waterproof patented Stay Safe From Spooky Killers body bag, aim the demon destructor laserbeam at the supernatural being, and zap him a good one. While he's stunned, you can scoop him up, dump him into a large pail or glass, stick the patented killer electrodes into what's left of the killers form, and presto! Your supernatural killer is nothing but a pile of dirtlike crystals.

Warning: Supernatural Killer dirtlike crystals have a similar appearance to instant coffee. Please do not get the two confused as that would be a most unpleasant. Dudes, seriously, don't do it.

Aqua Lung, Spleen, and Flute Grinding Disposal Unit

2006-02-26T19:33:00.000-05:00

After a long weekend, and many prototypes, Mr. Freeman has asked me to post the next invention. He also wishes me to make it clear that even though ZU is on it's 11th day of inventions, that is because February is a very messed up month which is constantly changing it's number of days. Sometimes it's twenty eight, sometimes it's fifty three, and sometimes it's only ten. Anyway, on to the invention....

Aqua Lung, Spleen, and Flute Grinding Disposal Unit
How many times have you been trying to enjoy a quiet sunny day when you've been rudely interrupted by the sound of a flute, and looked up to see a large bearded, long haired ruffian wearing an odd looking codpiece and tights? Even one time is one time too many. How can we live and breathe in peace when the threat of tight wearing barbarians playing flutes is constantly knocking on our door and preying on our minds? No one should have to live this way. NO ONE!!!

Well that problem is easily solved with the Aqua Lung, Spleen, and Flute Grinding Disposal Unit. No longer do you have to be bothered by insane men with flutes. Just take said imbecile by the scruff of his nasty flute enveloping beard, and stuff him feet first into the patented, whisper quiet Aqua Lung, Spleen, and Flute Grinding Disposal Unit. After a few quick screams and a flurry of off key notes, the quiet you've come to know and love will return.

Yes, you too can bask in the silent glory that exists when scruffy, annoying, so called rocknroll flute players avoid your home by a fifty foot radius due to the shock waves given off by the Aqua Lung, Spleen, and Flute Grinding Disposal Unit. Don't wait until it's too late. No home is safe without one. May also be used to dispose of any unwanted Kansas or other faux rock bands carrying flutes. Available in silver and aqua.

Day 10 - Right-or-Wrong-inator

2006-02-23T09:23:00.000-05:00

This product is a group proposal, and includes a petition signed by the entirety of the Zero Unlimited staff pleading with Mr. Freeman to institute regular use of this item for himself.

Right-or-Wrong-inator

Do you find yourself doing things that other people think are horrible things? Do you fling potatos at innocent bystanders when others at the table merely push them around on their plates? Do you happily smack coworkers' bottoms, whether male or female, when others are busy shaking hands at meetings? Do you live your life to the fullest by dumping buckets of spaghetti on your manager's head and then shaking a terrifying wooden dummy at him in an attempt to entertain, when all he really wants is to be able to get through the mound of paperwork involved in judgements and litigations against you for your wacky behavior as you romp through life?

Does your antic behavior cause others sleepless nights and hours in therapy and the formation of workplace support groups? DO YOU EVEN REALIZE THIS???

It may be time for you to integrate a handy little gadget in your lifestyle -- The Right-or-Wrong-inator. Easy to use, this little doodad will enlighten you instantly and painlessly. (NOTE: Doodad is only painless if the "Jolt" feature is not turned on) With its cheerful assistance, you will find yourself suddenly knowledgeable about what the ramifications of what you were about to do REALLY are. Simple and friendly readouts give you immediate feedback and will not delay your real-life reaction time to situations noticeably.

---------------------------------------------------

This product may take longer than expected to develop, as every time the researchers think they have thought of every possible algorithm with which to anticipate Mr. Freeman's behavior, they find they have made wide and gaping omissions that it is imperative to compensate for before making another test run. Early tests also revealed that the nanocomputer that drives the device had a propensity to answer queries with a startling sense of humor that completely defeated its purpose. For example, when posited with the hypothetical situation of Mr. Freeman lying in wait in the broom cupboard and plotting to launch the floor waxer at a Mail Room employee who was trying to pick up a mailpouch full of mail off the hallway floor, it apparently found it quite hilarious to tell the test subject stand-in for Mr. Freeman that it was in fact very, very right to hit the "BUFF" button and unleash the Waxermatic9000 through the trap hatch right at the Mail Room employee's previously unbuffed posterior region.

Day 9 - Plexiglass Cat Placard (or Placator?)

2006-02-21T14:49:00.000-05:00

Since Mr. Freeman took Lila's keyboard away again, (something about working on another invention and needing two keyboards), I'm going to do that favor I owe her and post today's entry for her. I asked Mr. Freeman if he wanted to do it, but he just bellowed something at me that sounded like "gabragalliflower gablogicator!!!!" so the heck with him.

This is another of Roger's brilliant ideas. I think it isn't actually the winning entry for today, but got on the list by accident. However, in the interests of society's progress and giving everyone a fair shake of the lamb's tail, here is his idea, in his own words:

Plexiglass Cat Placard
Have you ever been working on an important document and had a cat jump on your stuff? Any cat owner knows the feel of that terrifying moment when your life's work swings in the balance, about to plunge into the abyss of cat-caused damage. While I don't own a cat, too often have I been sitting at my well-organized desk here at good old ZU, late a night, when some sort of feline banshee has suddenly launched itself at my drafting table and mauled my work, already the recipient of hours and hours of excruciating labor, soon to be the cause of many hours more thanks to Mr. Fluffy.

I'm not really sure where these cats come from. They only seem to appear late at night, and no one else around my department seems to want to work late, so I'm the only one who ever sees them. I'm probably the only one who thinks one of these might be necessary in the office, but since I've spent most of my inventive energies in the hopes of helping out my fellow ZU employees, it seems reasonable that this invention, at least, should serve me.

While appearing simple in construction, this device is nothing but exhilirating in its results, forcing any cat bandit to stop flat in its tracks, effectively telling it to cease and desist, though not in so many words. No, instead it uses plain physical language to communicate with these furry aliens.

To initiate usage of the device, simply attach it to the side of your working surface (or chair) firmly. Start working on something irreplaceable or incredibly delicate and as sure as the day is long, you will see this niftydandy doodad at work, as the local cat population stampedes a path to your desk, responding to that sixth sense that tells cats exactly when you don't want them to mess up your stuff.

You may also find it handy to keep a bottle of windex nearby with a rag for post-collision cleaning of the plexiglass surface.

ZU BBS Archive Issue #3 AVAILABLE!

2006-02-21T12:45:00.000-05:00

Some of you might like to know that the third installment of the Zero Unlimited BBS Archives is ready to be distributed. Please email a request with your mailing address if you would like a copy to our printer at msouliere AT meca.edu and she will post you one out free of charge.

Join the fun as Mr. Freeman goes to Europe, and invokes his Law-Giver Wonka status, implementing Ape Law back at the office, including but not limited to: construction of an underground chocolate river with cheese quicksand pit at the end, Little Lord Fauntleroy Fop Friday, Bigfoot fight betting rings, wig wearing policy, the import of monkey parts for Wonka Monkey Powder development, the opening of a ZU hokeypokey, and many more unbelievable things. Trust us.

A rousing and mind-boggling epic of the origins of the Zero Unlimited online community. A must for your bookshelf. Once again, send any and all requests for complimentary copies to: msouliere AT meca.edu

Thank you!
Lila Couchon
Executive Assistant to the CEO

Day 8 - Swami Cake Readings

2006-02-16T16:49:00.000-05:00

After accidentally being locked in a closet last night, the "Brain Trust" group in zone six has come up with a product/service that Mr. Freeman deems the winner for today.

Swami Cake Readings
How many times have you been at a child's birthday party that went terribly wrong? Bad weather, bad behavior, bad hairstyles, bad breath, bad presents, ridiculous outfits, poorly frosted cake, and parents dripping with scorn over your not so perfect celebration of young juniors birth are all hardships that we have to deal with anytime we throw a child's party.

But not with the new Swami Cake Readings! The Swami can predict whether your upcoming party will be a dream or a dud. Just provide the Swami with the date of your party, the names of the attending children and parents, the type of cake you'll be serving, and a small sample of the frosting. The Swami does the rest! It's that easy!

Sulking, jealous, and evil children can ruin even the most painstakingly planned atmosphere of birthday joy. So let the Swami guide you to birthday party fulfillment at an incredibly reasonable price. But don't just believe us, read these testimonials from satisfied customers!

"I was planning to have a party for my son on the Saturday before his birthday. The Swami told me that the Henderson boy next door would be trouble, and that someone was going to throw the cake through the screen door. He suggested I have the party that Sunday. So I changed the date of the party, and 'forgot' to invite the Henderson's. The party was a complete success and the partygoers are still raving about it! Thanks Swami!".... Mrs. Jill Monroe

"Last year I didn't consult the Swami for my older son's birthday. Boy was I ever sorry. The Vanderbergs are still making nasty comments about the gritty frosting, and the Lincolns still aren't on speaking terms with us due to the fisticuffs that broke out between our sons. So when it was time for my younger son's party, I made sure to consult the Swami, and the party went off like a dream! The cake was delicious and no one had to go to the hospital! Thank you Swami, for making my party the hit of the neighborhood!"... Mrs. Jerome Howard

All Swami Cake Readings come with free giant fun size Fez's for the kids!

Dogs in the Building?

2006-02-16T11:47:00.000-05:00

I just heard a dog barking down the hall. I tried to find the animal but there wasn't one anywhere to be seen. My understanding is that the ZU Health Code forbids the presence of any animals in the complex, with the exception of service animals.

If this has changed, I would like to know, because Fluffy gets very bored in his hamster wheel at home without me and it would be nice to have some company in my cubicle.

Day 7 - The Beergle-ator

2006-02-15T13:13:00.000-05:00

Since you noodleheads can't seem to keep up with this stuff, I am going to have to exercise my leadership skills (bet you never thought you'd see the day) and take this affair in hand and spank its little booty beet-red.

With the advent of the Rathskeller's successful installation in the basement of Zone 8, it seemed appropriate to introduce our next item at this opportune time. Anonce...

--------------------------------------

The Beergle-ator
Not to be confused with Ator, Fighting Eagle (see image), this little contraption is the best thing going for your beer. Do you like it fizzy? Do you like it in a fight? Just let the Beergle-ator go to work for you.

With each turn of its micro-engineered hardware, this little doohickey will percolate your beer to frothy perfection. Not enough head? No problem. Really want to splash beer all over your buddy "unintentionally"? No problem. The Beergle-ator has you covered!!! With settings from "Humming Fizz Mistifier" to "Really Messy Like Some King of Beer Tiger Knocked You Over!" our engineers have gone the extra nine yards to make sure the Beergle-ator will do exactly what you want.

Additional accessories available include the Wet T-Shirt Contest Nozzle, Personal Splashguard (which doubles as the Accidental Splash Director for 2-in-1 Fun), and Explosive Knocker for those really rowdy nights that just haven't learned how to express themselves fully yet, and need a push in the right direction.

The Beergle-ator will be available in the near future, test marketing to occur at the Rathskeller on a date to be announced. Not recommended for the fur-wearer who looks askance at smelling like delicious beer.

Day 6 - Rathskeller Implementation Device

2006-02-14T07:16:00.000-05:00

Since Ms. Couchon refused to acknowledge the clear superiority of my device, or to validate its winning status with such acknowledgment, it was my clear duty to take her keyboard away from her yesterday. Please accept this Day 6 post a little late. I was testing out the mechanism and there were a few technical difficulties. Lenny was helping me.

Here it is:

Rathskeller Implementation Device
What better way to assuage those lingering yearnings for days and nights spent soaking in massive quantities of German beer than to implement your own rathskeller?

The Rathskeller has long maintained its superior standing over the hokeypokey, and for good reason. It even promotes good health, if you can understand the German slogan "Besser ein Rausch, denn ein Fieber." What?! You don't know German? Well me either, so here is the translation: "Better be tipsy than feverish." Right! So don't be a bozo.

Who wouldn't want want to immerse themselves in a beer-soaked, hearty, rousing atmosphere of German beer? Testruns have indicated that the mechanism works most effectively in a wood or stone-based architecture form, and is best used in a traditional manner, i.e., in a basement level room (this will keep your downstairs neighbors, teetotallers as they are, from descending on your previously serene rathskeller and wrecking it in rage).

Any artwork that yearns for a patina of beer and sausage aroma should be installed before initiating the rathskeller implementation. Once set in motion, the mechanism will do its work on its own. If you want to get a head start on your immersion in your own personal German beer hall, feel free to remain in the chamber while the mechanism does its work. You will emerge, hours later, perfumed in barley and hops, and weaving pleasantly while waving your stein about in a rousing fashion.

I'll answer any questions you may have during our demonstration of the device at 2:00 this afternoon when we install it in one of the Zone 8 storage rooms off of the Haunted Corridor as the Warehouse Staff has chipped in on Lenny's advice to purchase one for their department. We are also working on integrating a Schnitzel House into the optional plans.

Day 5 - Furry Hat and Optional Furry Hat Accessories

2006-02-10T16:06:00.000-05:00

Todays winning entry will appeal to ladies who like to wear large eye catching hats, and anyone who has ever worn a hat in the wind.

Furry Hat and Optional Furry Hat Accessories
Nothing says elegance like a large furry hat, especially when it's shape resembles the beloved and sweet smelling pinecone. Many is the woman, and the effeminate man, who has secretly wished for a hat of such size and shape to be sold outside the circles of London high society.

Now you can own this soft lush hat made from synthetic animal fibers, synthetic resins, and synthetic food byproducts. It's not only fashionable. It's also fun to wear and safe for the environment.

Your friends will gasp and turn red with envy when they see you arrive at the Vanderbergs fancy dress party wearing your Furry Hat. Not only will they wish they were you, but they'll put you on a pedestal as a fashion icon in your social group! Be the trendsetter you always knew you were when you wear the Furry Hat!

And to address those tricky issues that come with wearing such beautiful headwear, ZU has developed a line of accessories to handle any hat related situation that could cause you to look less than dignified:
Furry Hat Glue
Don't let your precious new hat fly off in a strong breeze. Use Furry Hat Glue to make sure it says securely on your noggin, or isn't stolen by overzealous hat collectors or jealous friends.
Furry Hat Glue Remover
Sure, it's great to keep your hat firmly on your head in all types of nasty weather, but what about when you get indoors and want to take it off? Just liberally apply Furry Hat Glue Remover, and you're on your way!
Furry Hat Rain Slicker
Even synthetic fur doesn't stand up well in rain and sleet. Get the Furry Hat Rain Slicker to keep the elements off your head. Attach the little pouch to the back of your hat, and if the weather turns bad, just stretch the Rain Slicker over your head. It's that simple! Available in neon blue, pink, magenta, and clear. Disclaimer: Furry Hat Rain Slicker may take 2-4 people to stretch to size of headwear, depending on size purchased. Please buy appropriate size for your head, i.e. small Rain Slickers will not fit over size XL hats.

Another Roboshrub Jingle!

2006-02-09T15:32:00.000-05:00

In a moment of fevered inspiration I whipped off another derisive jingle for those Roboshrub yobs. I think they should be paying me for this stuff.

This one is for their Skin-B-Gone Spray.

Skin-B-Gone
It won't be long
If you use this
You will be missed

That is, if you
Are someone who
We liked in the first place
And didn't want to smack your face.

Can you tell I'm in a bad mood today?

Day 4 - The Clapper Flapper

2006-02-09T15:09:00.000-05:00

Ms. Couchon has asked me to post today's winning invention to help me take my mind off of other things. So here goes.

The Clapper Flapper
If you are one of those people who can barely drag a file folder around, let alone hold a door open for someone, then you will love this invention. Ladies and gentlemen, have you ever been carrying around your Clapper device, and dropped it in a soggy location? Perhaps it was someplace embarrassing, like your toilet, or maybe just a very large vat of beer. Either way, with the new Clapper Flapper, it will be so easy for you to dry your Clapper off.

No more mess! No more fatigue! No more wondering how much longer you are going to have to flap your Clapper around in the air to assist its rapid drying!

Now, with this technological advancement, you can continue your life of ease while the Clapper Flapper does all the work. The Clapper Flapper will never complain. It will never whine about how it had to move three file folders around its desk during its long, strenuous and demanding workday. No. Ladies and gentlemen, have you ever seen a more perfect assistant than this?

Drop whatever you're doing (or not doing, as the case may be) and run out to get a Clapper Flapper. Or if that's too much work, just call our Clapper Flapper Delivery Hotline, and for a reasonably exorbitant fee, we will let your fingers do the walking, and our drivers do the driving.

[PHOTO: Dan and Augusto, of Brown University's Technology House, cheerfully demonstrate with what ease and pleasure The Clapper is operated under normal circumstances]

Rudeness, Inc.

2006-02-09T15:03:00.000-05:00

You know, it wouldn't kill you to hold a door open for someone. For instance:

If someone is coming towards you as you're coming through a door, and they're carrying a load of boxes full of office supplies, does it not seem sensible and considerate to hold said door open for them as you are already there with the door open? Especially since said door is a punch keycode door and said person carrying boxes will have to juggle said boxes to punch in said keycode to get through said door?

What is WRONG with you people?

ESPECIALLY since Ms. RUDENESS looked right at said person carrying said boxes. RIGHT AT THEM! What is this, a Blind Persons' Camp???? I mean, it's not like we need to bleed on a cross. All it takes is a moment's signal to one's muscles to tell them to hang onto the door handle for oh, say, FIVE SECONDS MORE, tops. You don't even need to smile, or even say "Hi" -- all you have to do is do what you were doing already.

Seriously.

Sometimes I think I work with a bunch of jerks.

Day 3 - The Lammwoollsockenbox

2006-02-08T13:46:00.000-05:00

Mr. Freeman has asked me to post todays entry in our brain war against Roboschrub Corp:

The Lammwoollsockenbox
"This delightful item is perfect for the family with many socks, but not enough storage space. The Lammwoollsockenbox is manufactured to exact specifications that enable the whole family to store their socks in one conveniently located container. No more digging frantically through dresser drawers or wondering if Junior ended up with Dad's socks in a laundry mixup. Now everyone's socks are centrally located. Sock finding couldn't be simpler!

While it is to be marketed primarily in Sweden, families of all nationalities will enjoy it's abundance of space and easy access top opening hatch. The soft faux fur lining lovingly nestles your families socks in glorious comfort, while the water proof outer shell is easy to keep clean. Imagine the prestige that the Lammwoollsockenbox will provide you when friends drop by to visit. This product is made to last more than a lifetime and can be passed on to future generations of sock wearers."

Mr. Freeman also would like me to convey that it is the big wool season in Sweden and that sales of the Lammwoollsockenbox might benefit from pictures of Abba being incorporated into the design of this family heirloom sock box.

Jingle Writing for Roboshrub

2006-02-07T11:52:00.000-05:00

I think I've found my second career! I was looking at Roboshrub's invention for today and thought I'd write a jingle for it:

Roboshrub Roboshrub
Dropped the ball
And had to grub

Bought a bunch of
Secondhand watches
Full of handless
Obvious botches

Tried to make them
Sound so swell
But how many botches
Can you sell?

Day 2 - Toe Tagger

2006-02-07T11:29:00.000-05:00

To all ZU employees:

The 2nd winning entry in the ZU vs. Roboshrub Corporate Think Tank War is as follows:

Toe Tagger
"This handy device is great for mortuary workers who just can't get over their qualms about touching a dead man's toe. Now all you do is load the tag cartridge into the Toe Tagger (TM), enter the text box information (name, age, etc) on the keypad, position the Toe Tagger properly, and the Toe Tagger will cheerily dispense the toe tag directly on the offending digit, removing any chance that Mr. Joe Squeamish will come in contact with cold, dead, rubbery flesh.

But the fun doesn't stop there! The Toe Tagger (TM) is also a gas at your after-work party. Back in the old days, you used to draw moustaches and rude remarks on the foreheads of those unfortunate enough to have passed out before you at the latest kegger. Nowadays, you can really take advantage of an existing piece of hardware to give you an unforgettable party gimmick! No one is ever going to forget waking up from a drunken stupor to find themselves in a dumpster with a toe tag on their foot. You'll be the life of every party!"

NOTE: As a result of this winning invention, Mr. Freeman has been overheard telling local partyhounds that they should be sure to lop off their toes to prevent such a misdeed. If you are lucky he has been giggling too uncontrollably for you to understand what, if anything, he is saying. If you are one of the few employees who did in fact manage to make out what he was trying to convey, Kevin Rogers would like me to take this opportunity to once again remind employees that they should not listen to Mr. Freeman under any circumstances.

Sincerely,
Ms. Lila Couchon
Executive Assistant to the CEO

Day 1 - Undulating Laptop Meat Grinder

2006-02-06T13:42:00.000-05:00

To All ZU employees--
Mr. Freeman has declared that the first winning idea in the ZU vs. Roboshrub Corporate Think Tank War will be as follows:

Undulating Laptop Meat Grinder, as proposed by Roger Moore at the open forum on Friday. Mr. Freeman insists that this is the first winner because "everyone in the audience screamed."

I would like to take this opportunity to request that Mr. Moore post his explanation of the device and how it works exactly, because during the forum the uproar was so great that we seem to have passed over that entirely, or perhaps it was drowned out in the melee.

Thank you,
Lila Couchon
Executive Assistant to the CEO

Think Tank War Against Roboshrub

2006-02-02T15:00:00.000-05:00

To All ZU Employees:

Mr. Freeman has posted a declaration that everyone at Zero Unlimited has been drafted to fight in the Corporate Think Tank War.

Every employee is to submit product ideas and the best one will be posted each day, starting Monday.

He says that this should ensure the best ammunition in our terrible fight against the villainous upstarts at Roboshrub, Inc.

All I can say is, well, it might be fun. Especially (hint, HINT!) if Mr. Freeman offers us valuable prizes that would make it worth our while.

Signed,
Lila Couchon
Executive Assistant to the CEO

Candy Left in the Office

2006-01-31T12:14:00.000-05:00

To whoever is leaving these on our desks:

Please stop. It is offensive to church going people, and bad for office morale. There is enough grumbling around here without someone intentionally stirring up trouble and openly expressing their dislike for work.

Danger DUMMY Danger!!

2006-01-25T09:48:00.000-05:00

I just thought I'd warn you all that in his campaign to liven up the workplace, Mr. Freeman has insisted that I go to this website about corporate ventriloquist dummies. At first I thought he was just ranting about hallucinations as usual, but this stuff is apparently real.

Frankly, I find the whole thing confusing and not a little disturbing.

Some of the customer testimonials on the site do not help clear matters up in the least, such as:
"The parody you did on our president's video message to employees was outstanding! And, I still have my job! Thanks, again." -- A. O. Smith

"Thanks for your fine job at our sales meeting. I've heard nothing but compliments. Of course, I haven't heard from our board chairman yet, and that scares me." -- Blunt Ellis & Loewi

"Your influence during our employee retreat provided both a sense of humor and a dose of reality in announcing our new management structure. With your help we were able to present these changes in a positive and constructive manner. The praises of your presentation were heard through our office for weeks to follow." -- HNI, Inc.

Personally, I am a little afraid of what Mr. Freeman will do when in the same room as a rambunctious puppet.

Sincerely,
Lila Couchon
Executive Assistant to the CEO

Ham

2006-01-24T16:14:00.000-05:00

Someone gave me a subscription to the Ham of the Month Club, which is great as you all know my interest in ham. However, before I am able to claim my salty pieces of pig flesh, someone is removing them from the box and replacing them with cheeses in the shape of a pig. This will not do!

I am not interested in your strange cheese jokes. Nor do I enjoy finding little notes in my desk asking me to sniff the cheese, and to bow down at the cheese alter.

And I must say that a covering my cubicle with pictures of cheese is just disturbing, not to mention how unnerving it is to think of the amount of time this entire project must have taken. Do you have nothing better to do than buy magazines that contain pictures of cheese? How many weeks did it take to get that many pictures? And the collage of cheese appears to be thoughtfully put together? Why so much effort? Are you insane?

Stop stealing my ham and knock off the cheese.

Boring. Now with SAUSAGES.

2006-01-24T08:45:00.000-05:00

You people are boring.

Signed,
Mr. Paul Freeman
CEO and the BOSS of YOU

"Suspicious" Persons

2006-01-11T14:12:00.000-05:00

Due to a recent smattering of purse and wallet thefts, a representative of the staff would have us report any and all "suspicious" persons in the complex. Thanks to this bit of encouragement, I've got quite a list going here, using her example of "suspicious" behavior involving someone unfamiliar with zone seven asking if they had found the proper floor as a guideline.

Alas, I'm embarrassed to say that the suspicious character in zone seven may indeed have been me! Shall I add my own name to the list? Would someone like to accompany me to report my suspicious behavior to the proper authorities?

It would appear that asking directions (not to be confused of course with having an inquiring mind, asking probing questions) marks one as suspiciously guilty until proven innocent. I cannot believe the security consider this type of inquiry "suspicious". I've been robbed before, and it is indeed a bummer. But I didn't automatically attribute the theft to the local junkie population, or to newcomers to my area floundering around for directions.

Was it a democrat (that is, a proponent of democracy) who said, "We have nothing to fear but fear itself"? A cautionary note to be more careful with where we place our valuables (i.e., not leaving them in the hallway?) would have been a word to the wise, rather than blaming those other than ourselves. Caution has its place, but let's not overdo. --

Thefts in Complex!!

2006-01-11T13:57:00.000-05:00

This morning someone stole my purse from my desk drawer, and Trish had her wallet stolen when she left her purse in the hallway while she grabbed a Tab from the break room. No one in the office saw anything, but Trish and I saw a guy in zone seven this morning who looked like he was lost or something. He was walking up and down the hall, but wouldn't look at us when we walked by. But I'll bet he was wandering around trying to find someone to rob.

Or maybe it was a junkie because there was a guy near the dumpster yesterday who looked like he did lots of drugs. Junkies rob people to get money for drugs, and ZU is a good place to steal money because so many people work here.

To promote safety at ZU, everyone should keep an eye out for suspicious people. If you see someone in the corridors who is wandering around, hanging out, doesn’t know where they’re going, or looks like a convict or junkie, march right up to them and ask them what they are doing. That will make them nervous because then you can identify them. Then call security to report there is a suspicious person in the building.

The photo ID’s will help because a junkie won’t have a photo ID. And if someone at ZU decided to steal, they’ll have an ID so we’ll know who they are.

Obscene Phone Calls

2006-01-11T08:39:00.000-05:00

Would whoever is giving me obscene phone calls, please stop. It's really distracting and you're wasting my time. I have work to do. I think the caller must have been a novice because in the five minutes I was on the phone with him, he didn't have much dirty to say. In fact, he wasn't very offensive at all.

Office Hottie Contest

2006-01-10T15:03:00.000-05:00

How come we don't have one of these?

It might give some of us an incentive.

Schedule for Photos - Executive/Fiscal/Legal

2006-01-10T14:00:00.000-05:00

On Tuesday January 17 report to HR at the time listed below

8:00 Lila Couchon
8:05 Kitty Baxter
8:10 Melina Green
8:15 Patricia Geraghty
8:20 Stan Crobett
8:25 Jan Van Hoodem
8:30 Kevin Roberts
8:35-9:00 all Legal Clerical workers including Frank
9:05 John Garrett
9:10 Tom Finn
9:15-9:30 all Fiscal Clerks
9:30 Mr. Paul Freeman

If you cannot make this appointed time see my secretary to schedule an appointment on Friday.

IDs are to be worn visibly at all times either around the neck or on a shirt or pants pocket.

Inspectors on inspection appointments and Staff at building or homesite visits will wear the badge so it is visible at all times (outside of your coat).

Any questions please see me.

S...M...I...L...E..!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Let's not look like convicts or serial killers...

ID Supplies

2006-01-10T13:47:00.000-05:00

I have been asked to price out and order lanyards and clips for all employees.

I have clips already. I will order some lanyards too. Should I give out both with the cards, or ask them their preference?

There doesn't seem to be any reason why we can't save some money here, because the way things go around here, folks will be throwing away the lanyards if they're just going to use the clips, and throwing away the clips if they're going to use the lanyards. To be quite frank we will be lucky if they don't throw out the IDs altogether.

Then later they will either lose their chosen method of attachment hardware, or change their minds anyhow, and come back to me for more. If we just ask them what they want of the two, and give it to them, this could save a little money and time.

Just an idea...

Employee IDs

2006-01-10T10:29:00.000-05:00

Early in 2006, all ZU employees will be issued photo ID cards. The cards must be worn while working. They can be hung around your neck or clipped to a pocket. They are also sized to fit into your wallet.

Please report to the Human Resources Department for ID photos from 8:00am to 9:30am. The schedule by department is as follows:

Wed. 1/11 Maintenance, Safety, and Security
Tuesday 1/17 Executive, Fiscal and Legal
Wednesday 1/18 Accounts, Human Resources and Counseling
Thursday 1/19 Research & Development, Plastics, Warehouse
Friday 1/20 anyone else not available on the earlier dates

I'll leave it to department heads on how you want to send your employees to HR, preferably not all at once.

I know some of our departments have had IDs made in the past, and some of you even carry them appropriately, but recent issues have caused serious strain to our security department and customer relations, and it has been decided that a blanket policy about IDs will now be brought into effect.

Any questions or comments can be raised at our staff meeting on Thursday.

Thank you in advance for your cooperation.
Lila Couchon
Executive Assistant to the CEO

Panic About the Fire Alarm Testing

2006-01-09T20:17:00.000-05:00

Could someone please verify that the faint buzzing sound we're hearing is the fire alarm testing that is going on in zone five? Mr. Freeman is insisting that everyone in the office wear a tin foil hat so that the aliens can't read our brainwaves. I just went to the hairdresser and I am certainly not going to plaster one of his disgusting foil beanies on my head.

I'm Not Invisible, You Know

2006-01-09T12:48:00.000-05:00

Just because I work in maintenance doesn't mean I don't exist, you know? It's like you people don't even see me because I'm only the guy who collects your trash or washes the floor. I mean, do you guys have any clue? You're talking as if I'm not even there.

It's kind of amusing to hear private stuff, but man, now I know too much. It's not like you can miss me. I'm standing right here, three feet away, in the middle of the room with a mop. But you've come over here to talk on your cell phone as if you've got some privacy. What are you, an idiot?

So do me a favor. I don't want to hear about your trip to the bathroom. I don't want to know who you had sex with. I don't want to hear about the medications you're taking or your friends bad habits. I don't want to hear about how your mom is a bitch, or your best friend stole your boyfriend. Just shut the hell up and realize I can hear every word you say.

PS. Some of the other maintenance guys asked if you had private stuff to say, if you could talk over by the vent in zone seven. The sound travels down into their office and they actually like hearing all the gossip, especially from the chicks.

In Search of Mr. Freeman

2006-01-03T15:08:00.000-05:00

Has anyone seen Mr. Freeman? There's a clown at the front gates who says Mr. Freeman has part of his circus stuff. I can't remember what he called it, but he wants it back and isn't leaving until he gets it. He's also threatening to round up more clowns until there is a clown town outside our front gate.

I'm not sure if any of you suffer from a fear of clowns, but it's fairly common and could reduce worker productivity. So if anyone sees Mr. Freeman, tell him to give the clown back whatever it is he took from him.

New Years party aftermath

2006-01-03T08:31:00.000-05:00

There is alot of whispering about what went on at the New Year's party because no one really dares to talk about it. But I think it would help employee moral if someone could tell us what was really going on. The whole thing was confusing and while I enjoy listening to the rumors, it's starting to get really ugly. So let's just get this out in the open and resolve it.

Current rumors going around the complex are:

It was a reenactment of the movie Carrie.
Mr. Freeman was playing an elaborate prank
Research was doing some sort of experiment on us
A rival company is waging a war against us
Some mysterious arch villain is trying to destroy the new zu complex and learn our top secret business
There is a large mass of uranium under zu which is systematically destroying the brain of anyone without a tin foil hat and hip waders
Aliens were trying to abduct the party goers en masse
It was all a dream brought on by bad pork rolls
It was an example of mass hypnosis

So is anyone willing to tell us what really happened? I think it would really help.

Stop It!

2005-12-30T13:59:00.000-05:00

I don't know who thinks this is funny, but I'm tired of having people pulling pranks on me today. Is this some sort of New Years joke? It's not funny.

Whoever took my purse needs to return it. That's a really expensive purse, you guys. It cost a lot of money and shouldn't be used as a toy or to pull a prank. Also, whoever stuck gum in my desk drawer, that's really gross. And stop taping my receiver to my phone. It makes it really difficult to take calls when I can't pick up the receiver.

And whoever filled the pockets of my coat with shaving cream is really sick. Luckily Mr. Freeman was asking for a cough lozenge so he was the one who put his hands in there. I'm really glad it wasn't me, but Mr. Freeman started stuffing his hands in all my pockets looking for more "magic face cream" and got me really messy. Normally I like his funny jokes, but with all the other pranks today, it just wasn't funny.

I'm not like some of the other girls here who don't have nice things. My stuff is expensive so stop taking it and doing strange things with it. I'm so tired of everyone being jealous.

Nice Job, Joker

2005-12-29T10:14:00.000-05:00

Can anyone explain why there is all sorts of lab equipment in our lobby area, the corridors within our department, and in the hallways leading to our lobby? The bananas were bad enough, but now some of us can't even get into our offices because of the large pieces of equipment blocking the doors.

Also the safety committee just sent out that memo on making all of the complex handicapped accessible, and the little pathways weaving through our area do not comply with that.

So thanks a lot, joker. Thanks for making it impossible for us to get to our desks and causing a disturbance. If anyone is missing a huge amount of equipment, it's in our offices/hallways.

Yeah Right, Real Funny Blaming the Maintenance Guy

2005-12-29T08:42:00.000-05:00

Dudes, it is not cool to take all the equipment out of the lab. The underwater weighing tank is still there, I guess because it's too heavy to move with all the water in it and everything.

But now research is yelling at me because they think I took it. You people are totally nuts if you think I'm going to spend my time moving your equipment and hiding it somewhere. You think you're so great just because you do research and I do maintenance. Man, you people just make me sick.

So whoever took that stuff better bring it back because I'm getting sick of this crap.

This Isn't Funny, You Guys

2005-12-29T08:29:00.000-05:00

Alright, who put the skeleton in the break room? The light wasn't on in there and when I turned around from putting my lunch in the fridge, it was peaking out from behind the supply locker. It scared me half to death. It really isn't funny. Someone could break a leg or something.

Strange Items in Reception

2005-12-28T09:08:00.000-05:00

Does anyone know who is coming into our reception area at night and leaving useless items on our coffee table? Here's what we found this morning: To give you the true feel for why we're so disturbed, here's a close up:

If you want to give away free bananas, please do so when they are good. No one wants to touch these as they look pretty far gone, and we can't comprehend why someone keeps leaving semi-bad food in our lobby area. You're not doing us any favors. Free food is only good when it is edible. Also, there is probably some poor child crying for their lost pound puppy, which just makes us sad.

The Shame of the Party

2005-12-27T12:37:00.000-05:00

I see that Kevin has left out the most heinous of all incidents at the party. Perhaps that is due to some sort of pending legal action? Come now, Kevin, don't you think everybody would be interested in what happened during the last leg of the party where most participants were out of their skull and others had already gone home? Or should I say trying to find their home, as I don't think many were successful. For you gossip mongers, here is the latest:

What good looking male employee made himself far less attractive to the many women wanting to be among his conquests by completely humiliating himself at the party? Among his accomplishments for the night were:

drinking six shots before dinnner
falling face first into his plate of stroganoff
peeing himself at the dinner table
being carried to the restroom to clean up
coming back from the restroom with his pants around his ankles
sitting pantless at his table until his companions insisted on pulling his pants up for him
puking not only on the dinner table, but on his dinner companions as well
getting in a fight over the last sausage roll
hitting his boss in the face with a chocolate cake
telling his coworkers that they were idiots who couldn't find his butt with a ten foot pole, while exposing his butt to them
stripping on the dance floor while pretending to be an exotic dancer
throwing his underwear onto the head of the matronly caterer
being forcibly removed from the party
reappearing at the party after sneaking in through the forklift door and skulking along the back corridors in zone eight
dirty dancing with every woman and man he could rub his crotch against
peeing into a vase of flowers on the dessert table
being driven home by a male employee with a new BMW with leather interior
puking in the back seat of the BMW
repeatedly grabbing the male executives groin while intoning a desire to see what he was packing
sleeping on the steps of his apartment building after being dumped out of the BMW

Me thinks someone will not only be embarrassed by this behavior, but will not be working here much longer.

Christmas Party Problems

2005-12-27T11:58:00.000-05:00

Contrary to Matthew's assertion that the Christmas party "rocked", I'd like to alert folks to a few of the incidents that occurred which meant the party most certainly did not rock. A partial list of what I assume were drunken incidents, as I would hate to think anyone would do these things purposely when sober, include the following:

Board of Directors sprayed with can of fake snow during dinner
Making a human pyramid in the ladies bathroom handicapped stall
Rolling on the ground wrestling an “invisible man” and burning a bystanders hand by knocking him into the table holding the flaming kabobs
Taking off pantyhose on the dance floor with dress over head
Attempting to put someone else’s handbag into one's handbag
Screaming obscenities while giving people the finger
Having sex in the bathroom in zone six
Dirty dancing with a male coworker while his pregnant wife glared from their table
Knocking over other employees during frenzied dancing
Dancing naked on the dance floor before peeing naked on the dance floor
Passing out in the hallway and being left by fellow employees propped up near the coat check completely naked
Making out under the buffet tables
Running around the room naked for ten minutes asking everyone if they like your new breast augmentation, and upon realizing you’re naked, finding that someone has stolen your clothes
Projectile vomiting on the dance floor
Wearing a skimpy dress, which leaves nothing to the imagination, that rips when the person behind you steps on it, causing you to fall down, and leaving you naked sprawled on the dance floor (employees are advised to stop passing around the photos of this incident)
Walking around with pants zipper undone and member exposed
Wearing spaghetti straps, even though they have been banned from all offices and office functions
The J-Lo inspired dresses which exposed everything if bent over
Relieving oneself in someone’s new handbag
Wearing see through clothing
Stripping while on a table and shouting “come and get ‘em cowboys”
Throwing punches over who is going to get the last sausage roll
Using the photocopier to make copies of sexual organs, rear ends, and the act of having sex
Asking a female employee to accompany you to the supply room because you hear she’ll do it with anyone
Having a contest to see who can hang onto the back of the forklift for the longest time as it careens through zone seven at top speed

Need I say more? This years debauchery resulted in an unprecedented amount of damage and the loss of a good caterer. While the New Years party is still going ahead as planned, employees should be forewarned that it is in their best interests not to get intoxicated to the point of nausea or black outs. A taxi service will be provided for all ZU employees to keep them off the streets.

Office Pool for New Years Party

2005-12-27T09:43:00.000-05:00

Hey, if anyone wants in on the pool for who might do it at the office New Years party, let me know. After the Chrismas party last week, which totally ruled once Freeman rode in with all that booze, lots of people are talking about how awesome the New Years party should be and who's going to score after they get drunk. For those of you too drunk to remember how it went down, you can check out my blog.

So if you want into the pool, just tell me the name of the two people you think will do it, whether they'll regret it the next morning, and how hard people will laugh about it. And I've got to get your money up front too. Too many people welched out of last years bet on whether Freeman would fire that Oompa Loompa who liked to stab people with his pen knife.

Security Alert: Roaming Santa

2005-12-22T13:31:00.000-05:00

I’ve just received complaints from several zones about a man dressed as Santa who seems to be roaming through the hallways. Reportedly Santa is cajoling women into sitting on his lap, asking if they’re been naughty, and insisting that he’s got a large package to slide down their chimney.

People, if ZU had hired a Santa, there would have been an announcement over the intercom system. If a man comes into your office and is sexually explicit, that is a problem. If that man is dressed as Santa, then it’s still a problem, just much more ridiculous.

Also I do not want to hear any more complaints from women who were insulted because Santa only asked them to take off their top, while he asked the girl in the next office to completely remove her clothes. Really people, think! Use your brains for something other than a paperweight.

Please notify security if you see Santa. We don’t need another incident like last November’s “Eat My Big Brown Turkey” incident.

Xmas Wish Blitz

2005-12-21T16:03:00.000-05:00

In case not all you dudes are reading my personal blog.

Santa's "little" Helper

2005-12-21T13:09:00.000-05:00

Some jerk put this on my desk as though it was funny.

Reports in the Toilet!?

2005-12-21T12:26:00.000-05:00

Who was the jerk that took my year end fiscal report and stuff it in the toilet? This is really ridiculous. I don't know who is doing this stuff, but they left a note that said "the phantom took your report, look in the hopper in zone ten."

Purse Wetter!!!

2005-12-21T11:19:00.000-05:00

Who dumped my purse in the toilet?!!! I can't IMAGINE WHO would do such a thing. Some JERK no doubt.

Perhaps the ZU security team should stop bringing aluminum foil to Mr. Freeman's office and look into what's been going on around here for once.

Sincerely (ready to smack someone),
Patricia Geraghty

Watch For Coal in Your Stockings

2005-12-21T11:16:00.000-05:00

Some people aren't very nice. Some people don't understand that it's Christmas and not everyone wants to drink the gross eggnog that they made after they used the restroom and didn't wash their hands. Some people don't understand that just because they aren't pretty, they shouldn't take it out on those of us who are. Some people don't like it when guys pay attention to the pretty girls because they are so jealous. Some people don't know that they could look good if they stopped wearing those ugly dumpy clothes, and got fashionable clothing, a real haircut, makeup, and lost some weight. Some people just want to pick on others because they are pretty and get attention from lots of guys.

You'll Never Guess Where This Wallet Was!

2005-12-21T09:14:00.000-05:00

Oh my god you guys, Matthew just walked by me holding this open wallet in his hand. I asked him if he found the wallet, and he said, "Yeah. In the toilet. It's Mr. Freemans." I just about died. I mean, if your wallet falls into the toilet, how can you not know? The credit cards were sticking out of it and everything. Like, how could he just leave it in there? It's got all his ID, money, and everything. He's lucky someone didn't steal it.

Don't Drink the Eggnog

2005-12-20T21:29:00.000-05:00

If anyone finds some room temperature eggnog anywhere in the complex, dont' drink it! I'm only telling you this because I've noticed it's been sitting around here for a week. Normally I wouldn't care what any of you do because this place totally sucks. But with it being Christmas time and all, I just wanted to make sure no one got completely ill or anything.

Freeman's been barfing in a trashcan most of the day. Man, that old guy is nuts. After he found out the stuff was covered in some sort of fuzzy growth, he started shouting at us that he bet we didn't think he'd dare to drink it. So we all dared him to, and the guy downed it in one gulp. Then he got all green and stuff, so we took off and left him hurling in zone seven. Dudes, you should have been there.

Jack Ham

2005-12-20T21:15:00.000-05:00

Mr. Freeman has asked Research to be on the lookout for shipments addressed to Jack Ham. Due to the poker loss on Friday, he is expecting a pallet of hams and a case of radioactive Jack Daniels.

When they arrive, they are to be put in the underwater weighing tank to verify their authenticity. Please don't ak me how this will do that. I'm just as confused as you are, but it's easier to just do what he says.

Who Was in the Tank?

2005-12-20T20:49:00.000-05:00

Oh my god you guys, you will not believe this! A family came in this morning looking for research because their son was supposed to get in the underwater weighing tank. I know we don't let the general public in here because of all the top secret stuff in the complex, but we had to because of Mr. Freeman's poker playing last Friday.

So everything is fine until about ten minutes ago when this other family shows up to use the tank. It turns out they are the ones who are supposed to be here. Now everyone's freaking out because no one knows who was in the tank this morning.

I thought it might be one of Mr. Freeman's funny pranks, but when I mentioned it to him, he screamed, "We're ripe with espionage!" and locked himself in his office. Kitty says he's still peaking out through his blinds and slipping strange notes under his office door asking the staff to stock up on tinfoil.

So does anyone know who was in the tank this morning? I'll bet security is wondering how they're going to explain this one.

Party Safety

2005-12-15T16:25:00.000-05:00

This is odd, but someone in management slipped me this crumpled up piece of paper, said they didn't want to be involved, and that this info needed to be posted before tomorrows party as last year there was some sort of incident involving a toxic substance in the potato salad, and questionable material in some other foodstuff.

Don't Eat the Deadly Toxins:
A ZU Refresher Course in Party Safety

As this Christmas season begins, the ZU complex indulges in many a party and joyous revelling to celebrate the holidays and upcoming new year. To keep our employees safe and happy, we here at ZU remind you to put safety first when eating, walking through the hallways, working hard at your job, or enjoying the company of your fellow employees at the annual Christmas party.

Please keep in mind the following safety tips:

Chemicals and deadly toxins are not allowed at the Christmas party.
Grain Alcohol should not be put in the punch or doused on any desserts.
It is not acceptable to force alcohol down the throat of those who do not wish to imbibe.
Any internal or external burns that result from attempts to breathe fire should be treated immediately by professionals, not by the guy in maintenance who's sister used to be pre-med.
Leave all questionable chemicals outside the door at the area marked "dangerous chemical check". Please make sure all containers are tightly sealed. The coat check is to the left of the dangerous chemical check.
Common entries of chemicals into our bodies include: inhalation, absorption, ingestion, and injection. Please be careful what you touch and do not inject any of your fellow employees with experimental chemicals.
No one will be allowed in dressed as Satan. This is a Christmas party, not a costume party.

There was a bunch of other stuff written down, but it just keeps getting more and more insane. So I'm not posting it. If you want it posted, do your own dirty work. I'm still not sure why I was told to post this. Management is a little off.

In Preparation for Jollity

2005-12-14T12:49:00.000-05:00

Dear Staff:
In preparation for the holiday party this Friday, the ZU management would like to put forth some tips and comments about office parties.

As Matt Halpern of Jackson Lewis says, "Management training on issues unique to the office party season (sexual harassment, negligent supervision of staff, drunken driving, etc.) can help companies avoid holiday-inspired litigation. Managers have to realize that workplace-related claims do not disappear just because party hats are handed out."

What he says is true. Just because you have a party hat on your head, doesn't mean that tomorrow when you wake up and realize that Barry from the tech department had his hands in your nether regions all night you're not going to want to sue Barry or the company.

With this in mind, the Executive Department would like to lay out a few ground rules.

1. No bears, trained or otherwise, will be allowed on the premises.
2. Hula skirts are not permitted in rooms where there is a heater.
3. Any attempts to launch a field trip to the zoo from the party will be severely discouraged.
4. Impressions of Rambo will also be discouraged. In fact, any guest performing more than one impression throughout the space of the evening can expect a warning.
5. Please make happy conversation, but do remember: you never know who is going to be standing behind you.
6. Any soup will be served early in the evening and then removed from availability due to prior issues involving the necessity of resuscitation.

Certain precautionary measures will also be assumed:

1. The walls directly abutting the entries to the men's and women's restrooms will have protective cushioning applied to them for the duration of the party in case of running accidents (or other ambulatory uncoordination).
2. Guests should make sure their wardrobe choices effectively secure their anatomy. Let it not be said of any ZU employee that "She had to be carried outside and then it popped out and someone said, 'You need to cover that up.'" Or he. Zippers and buttons are a good thing to doublecheck regularly throughout the course of the evening.
3. The Karaoke machine will be set up in an adjoining room, and not in the main hall.
4. The photobooth will be off limits for the duration of the party.
5. The same goes for the photocopiers on all levels.
6. Any employees utilizing any form of mistletoe in their office decorations would be well advised to remove it from public view for the duration of the party. This also includes anything that might be mistaken for mistletoe.

Thankfully the new ZU complex does not have a large fountain in its lobby.

Enjoy the party and have fun making chitchat with personnel you might not normally interact with. "If someone's wearing Santa Clauses on his tie, it's pretty much permission to talk to him," RoAnne says. "If a woman is wearing a beautiful pin or broach, that's a great ice breaker."

Mr. Ryan, however, reminds us to "come looking professional, chit-chat with the higher-ups, sidle up to the CFO and say, 'Boy, it's really impressive what you guys are doing with receivables, and by the way my name is (blank) and I work in (blank),'" if you are trying to make a good impression.

We understand that the combination of work and fun is a confusing one to most workers, and to that end we hope these tips and guidelines help you to enjoy yet another ZU Holiday Bash. :)

At Least I'm Not a Teletubby

2005-12-14T11:37:00.000-05:00

Yes, it's true. I could be much worse than I am. So feel lucky.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

MR. F

Moon Job

2005-12-14T11:25:00.000-05:00

I was looking around online and found this interesting article about an enterprising fellow who wanted the moon on a stick. Got a consulting firm and everything.

It got me thinking. What do I want for ZU? I mean, we all know about my wishlist which generally seems to get thwarted by Kevin or the guys in Accounting saying "Sorry there's no room in the budget for a Bigfoot," but there are a few visions that seem like they should be doable.

So why haven't they gotten done??? Barring the large explosion that caused us to move to a new facility.

Namely:
1. More research. We have sublevels in the complex -- why aren't we using them more productively??? I don't care what's being stored down there. Storage = dead space.
2. More scientists. If there's one thing we can always use more of, it's more scientists for research and development. If salaries are an issue, find some guys out of Eastern Europe or the Amazon who just want a ticket to the golden land of the U.S. of A. and a nice place to live. We can put them up in some of the conference rooms no one's using.
3. More phone calls. For the head of a company, I seem to get very few phone calls. But my secretary's phone rings all the time. Why is that? You don't want me to get bored, do you???
4. More memos. More memos means more work is getting done and more communication is going on. Communication is very important. Even if you have to make someone else type it up for you. And use this BBS more often. It won't bite you.
5. A little bit of space race action. Find out more about this moon thing for me, will you???

That is all for now.

Signed,
Mr. Paul Freeman, CEO

Keep Your Heads Out of the Furnace

2005-12-12T13:28:00.000-05:00

Seeing as this has become a problem, I want to emphatically state that no one, and I mean no one, should ever stick their head into the furnace. This is NOT a toy, and is capable of melting your flesh, which you should realize since the safety signs posted next to it say that quite clearly.

If another employee dares you to stick your head into the furnace, you should know enough not to do that, even if the other employee is making taunts questioning your masculinity. There is never any reason to jump into the furnace either. If you do so, it is of your own free will.

ZU will not be liable for any lawsuits that are pursued by employees who unlock the safety cage, crawl over the barricades, or go through the vent system to try to access any furnace openings. Please people, think!!

Spread Some ZU Christmas Cheer!

2005-12-08T10:11:00.000-05:00

Hey everyone, it's time for our annual ZU Christmas potluck. As head of the planning committee, I wanted to let you know the details.

When: Friday, December 16, 2:00-5:00
Where: ZU Conference Room, zone eight

Each zone has it's own sign up sheet which has been designated with the type of food to bring, such as main dish, side dish, dessert, beverage, finger food, appetizer, etc. This way we won't end up with nothing but three bean casseroles, brownies, pigs in a blanket, and beer.

Also I want to mention that we've done away with the sign up sheets for fruit. I probably shouldn't say it, but some of our employees are not very nice. I mean, last year someone wrote in my boyfriends name and he's certainly not a fruit.

So to avoid anymore brawls - such as when Scooter wrote he was bringing "that really gay guy in shipping" or when Beth got mad at her husband and posted that email he wrote Bobby that made us all question his manliness - there will be no fruit at the party.

I will be bringing my famous Spam cupcakes. Well obviously, they aren't mine, but I add some secret ingredients to make them even more special than they are. And before anyone says anything, yes I know the zone I work in is bringing main dishes. It's not really a cupcake with frosting. It only looks like one.