Memo from the Mailroom
As we approach the busy holiday season, it is imperative that we review a few of our policies, as there has been some slacking from certain sectors of the complex.
1. We are no longer accepting Sponge Bob or Smiley Face stickers in lieu of stamps.
2. Inter-office mail must have a proper address. We will no longer be delivering mail to the "rotund man with body odor on level 4" or "the woman in the painful shoes with dandruff on level 6".
In other news: It has come to our attention that certain mailroom personel are being actively discriminated against for their lunchbox preferences. One employee was ejected from the commissary for using a Barbie's Dream Palace lunchbox. The ZU Employee Code of Conduct clearly states in Section 3, Paragraph 2, that this type of discrimination is not to be tolerated.
Thank you for your time and attention,
The Mailroom Spokesmonkey
posted by Monkey @ 8:58 AM
11 ZU employees live in fear of Mr. Freeman
11 Comments:
Fascist!
What the heck? Is promoting freedom of choice in lunchbox fashions fascist? I think not.
This place sucks. If I don't get a raise soon I swear to God I'm going to burn this place down. And I mean a raise..more money...not an employee of the month placard, or a pat on the back....a raise. or this place burns to the ground.
Oh I'm going to be late tomorrow I have a dentists appointment.
Thank you Kevin Roberts. My point exactly. I certainly don't want a repeat of the big fat lunchbox of death debacle. It took the janitorial staff two weeks to clean that mess up.
Mr. Laceration, It is precisely people like yourself who make my job that much harder. There are three gentleman in zone eight who wear hair enhancers. You heard me... THREE.
Dear Mr. Brainship,
It is always a pleasure working with you. I did so enjoy our chat at Starbucks on Friday. I'll pay next time and I'll make an effort not to stand on the table. Caffiene goes directly to my head, I'm afraid.
Sincerely,
Monkey
Um...where can I get the application forms?
Alistair ~ Application forms can be obtained from Johnny Brainship, or Mr. Freeman himself. Please feel free to tell them I sent you. As you will see, the work environment here is capricious and unstable. I'm sure you will find it pleasing.
Summer ~ I am smarter than your average monkey. Not as smart as your average bear. I'm somewhere in the middle there.
I don't know what the flip I'm supposed to do with all these stickers I got from Oriental Trading Co., then. I have like 30 fucking million.
If ye paint those stickers gold, methinks they'll look like doubloons.
Good fer buyin' stuff offa dimwits.
I am all for lunchbox freedom. I myself have been known to wield a mean Strawberry Shortcake lunchbox.
Lunchboxes also make good snowfort brick molds. Not that I'm giving any trade secrets away here.
No need to mention what thermoses are good for, I'm sure you all know.
Yours,
The Big F
Arctic Exploration Division
Yo Calzone,
what up with your bad scaly self?
Your mother eats Dingdongs while sniffing newsprint.
My thermos is empty.
C'est la vie,
The Big
FFFFFFFFFFFFFFffffffffffff
Dear Monkey,
I agree. I am more than tired (almost comatose) of whoever keeps leaving letters for "Jerkface" on my desk when clearly they belong elsewhere.
Shheeesh.
Mr. F
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