Search Engine Shenanigans a la ZU

I would like to take a moment to annouce that one of the most recent hits on our website was because of a search done by someone in England looking for "photograph of abba cat dresses."

We are living in truly international times, people. Thank you for all contributing to our forum so that we can be a part of this global conversation.

Other recent hits on our site have been because of these searches. And no, I didn't make any of these up, they're all from the Site Meter reports.

dandelion killers

old creepy

jeans poisonous chemicals

do kids mistake medicine for candy? (there were a lot of these)

subtle flasher (is that you, Mysterious Stranger, or a cousin?)

candy filled clogs (please don't be alarmed, John)

don't use the soap dispensers (is there something I should know about?)

go to hell kitty baxter (this one was from Taiwan!)

kevin roberts (stop thinking you're such a hottie, dude)

vandalism by employees

Wow. Keep up the good work, you weirdos. Beer and sausages for the Christmas luncheon on ME!!!

Cashmere on Rocks and Hard Places

Ms. Couchon wanted me to be sure to tell all of you about an exciting upcoming meeting. She is forcing me to type politely. So here is a copy of the flyer for you all. The meeting is on May 23rd from 4-7pm. I will make sure there is good food there, unlike last time when there was nothing but that hummus crap with some grapes on the side.
See you there,
Your Boss,
That Guy,
Mr. Paul Freeman

Gnomeville... how preposterous

How can you have a Gnomesville with no gnomes?

Incidentally, I had nothing to do with the alleged gnomes and their non-existant disappearance. But you should check out that pirate's mudflaps. If you cared about gnomes that didn't even exist.

Day 7 - The Beergle-ator

Since you noodleheads can't seem to keep up with this stuff, I am going to have to exercise my leadership skills (bet you never thought you'd see the day) and take this affair in hand and spank its little booty beet-red.

With the advent of the Rathskeller's successful installation in the basement of Zone 8, it seemed appropriate to introduce our next item at this opportune time. Anonce...

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The Beergle-ator
Not to be confused with Ator, Fighting Eagle (see image), this little contraption is the best thing going for your beer. Do you like it fizzy? Do you like it in a fight? Just let the Beergle-ator go to work for you.

With each turn of its micro-engineered hardware, this little doohickey will percolate your beer to frothy perfection. Not enough head? No problem. Really want to splash beer all over your buddy "unintentionally"? No problem. The Beergle-ator has you covered!!! With settings from "Humming Fizz Mistifier" to "Really Messy Like Some King of Beer Tiger Knocked You Over!" our engineers have gone the extra nine yards to make sure the Beergle-ator will do exactly what you want.

Additional accessories available include the Wet T-Shirt Contest Nozzle, Personal Splashguard (which doubles as the Accidental Splash Director for 2-in-1 Fun), and Explosive Knocker for those really rowdy nights that just haven't learned how to express themselves fully yet, and need a push in the right direction.

The Beergle-ator will be available in the near future, test marketing to occur at the Rathskeller on a date to be announced. Not recommended for the fur-wearer who looks askance at smelling like delicious beer.

Day 6 - Rathskeller Implementation Device

Since Ms. Couchon refused to acknowledge the clear superiority of my device, or to validate its winning status with such acknowledgment, it was my clear duty to take her keyboard away from her yesterday. Please accept this Day 6 post a little late. I was testing out the mechanism and there were a few technical difficulties. Lenny was helping me.

Here it is:

Rathskeller Implementation Device
What better way to assuage those lingering yearnings for days and nights spent soaking in massive quantities of German beer than to implement your own rathskeller?

The Rathskeller has long maintained its superior standing over the hokeypokey, and for good reason. It even promotes good health, if you can understand the German slogan "Besser ein Rausch, denn ein Fieber." What?! You don't know German? Well me either, so here is the translation: "Better be tipsy than feverish." Right! So don't be a bozo.

Who wouldn't want want to immerse themselves in a beer-soaked, hearty, rousing atmosphere of German beer? Testruns have indicated that the mechanism works most effectively in a wood or stone-based architecture form, and is best used in a traditional manner, i.e., in a basement level room (this will keep your downstairs neighbors, teetotallers as they are, from descending on your previously serene rathskeller and wrecking it in rage).

Any artwork that yearns for a patina of beer and sausage aroma should be installed before initiating the rathskeller implementation. Once set in motion, the mechanism will do its work on its own. If you want to get a head start on your immersion in your own personal German beer hall, feel free to remain in the chamber while the mechanism does its work. You will emerge, hours later, perfumed in barley and hops, and weaving pleasantly while waving your stein about in a rousing fashion.

I'll answer any questions you may have during our demonstration of the device at 2:00 this afternoon when we install it in one of the Zone 8 storage rooms off of the Haunted Corridor as the Warehouse Staff has chipped in on Lenny's advice to purchase one for their department. We are also working on integrating a Schnitzel House into the optional plans.

Boring. Now with SAUSAGES.

You people are boring.

Signed,
Mr. Paul Freeman
CEO and the BOSS of YOU

Xmas Wish Blitz

In case not all you dudes are reading my personal blog.

At Least I'm Not a Teletubby

Yes, it's true. I could be much worse than I am. So feel lucky.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

MR. F

Moon Job

I was looking around online and found this interesting article about an enterprising fellow who wanted the moon on a stick. Got a consulting firm and everything.

It got me thinking. What do I want for ZU? I mean, we all know about my wishlist which generally seems to get thwarted by Kevin or the guys in Accounting saying "Sorry there's no room in the budget for a Bigfoot," but there are a few visions that seem like they should be doable.

So why haven't they gotten done??? Barring the large explosion that caused us to move to a new facility.

Namely:
1. More research. We have sublevels in the complex -- why aren't we using them more productively??? I don't care what's being stored down there. Storage = dead space.
2. More scientists. If there's one thing we can always use more of, it's more scientists for research and development. If salaries are an issue, find some guys out of Eastern Europe or the Amazon who just want a ticket to the golden land of the U.S. of A. and a nice place to live. We can put them up in some of the conference rooms no one's using.
3. More phone calls. For the head of a company, I seem to get very few phone calls. But my secretary's phone rings all the time. Why is that? You don't want me to get bored, do you???
4. More memos. More memos means more work is getting done and more communication is going on. Communication is very important. Even if you have to make someone else type it up for you. And use this BBS more often. It won't bite you.
5. A little bit of space race action. Find out more about this moon thing for me, will you???

That is all for now.

Signed,
Mr. Paul Freeman, CEO

Where Is Damien?

My elf boots are still missing and that dratted kid must be up to no good because I haven't seen or heard him since I got back from The Sunshine State. Unless he stowed away in that trunk I heaved into the Gulf. Then maybe we're lucky and he AND the evidence got eaten by the gators.

Let's all hope.

Mr. F

Wailing and Gnashing of Teeth

If this is the kind of thing you like, then hang around outside of my office. Otherwise, if you prefer the Virtual Version of such things, feel free to check my blog.

Signed,
The Big Guy and his nightmares

Shegunga gorblegoocher in the wayanana

Yes. Today: YOU make up the meanings to my excellent Daily Vocabulary entry.

Think nothing of it.

Signed,
Gorfdudilator

Memo from the Mailroom

As we approach the busy holiday season, it is imperative that we review a few of our policies, as there has been some slacking from certain sectors of the complex.

1. We are no longer accepting Sponge Bob or Smiley Face stickers in lieu of stamps.

2. Inter-office mail must have a proper address. We will no longer be delivering mail to the "rotund man with body odor on level 4" or "the woman in the painful shoes with dandruff on level 6".

In other news: It has come to our attention that certain mailroom personel are being actively discriminated against for their lunchbox preferences. One employee was ejected from the commissary for using a Barbie's Dream Palace lunchbox. The ZU Employee Code of Conduct clearly states in Section 3, Paragraph 2, that this type of discrimination is not to be tolerated.

Thank you for your time and attention,
The Mailroom Spokesmonkey

Tag, You're a big pile of squoosh

Yes, it's true. I was tagged by a dummy. Read it all here: http://heyfathead.blogspot.com/

Because SOME of you are NEXT.

And if I did it, you have to do it too, because I'm the boss.

Signed,
Mr. PFCEO

My Notes on the Employee Code of Conduct

Page #1

Page #2

Please click on these for the FULLSIZE (that's right) version of the RULES.

Signed,
The Boss

Rollercoasters as a form of transportation

Dear drones--
Some lucky tickler has mentioned the excellent idea of rollercoasters being used as interoffice transportation in the new complex. Now, I know there are a lot of naysayers out there. However, once we get this complex up and running, and get it expanded to something approximating the size of the original Zero Unlimited campus, there should definitely be a Request for Proposals to install rollercoasters at least between the parking garage and the main lobbies in each department.

For one thing, they are very fast. Faster arrival at department = faster getting to work at desk.

Better than coffee for waking up.

These are points I expect to see expanded upon by our R&D staff, once they stop all the tomfoolery with mummies.

Didn't they learn anything from last year's skeleton mishaps?!

Signed,
Your Boss
Mr. Paul Freeman, CEO

Too Much Color

It has come to my attention that you people seem to be posting lots of unnecessary pictures on this board. If this persists, I will be induced to produce pictures of my own making.

You know you don't want this.

Please don't make me.

Laughing up his sleeve but still very stern,
Your boss,
Mr. Paul Freeman