Saturday, January 06, 2007

Mystery Bread

Does anyone know who left the bread on my desk? It was totally centered in front of my monitor, which is kind of creepy because that means someone came into the locked area my desk is in.

There's a label that says it's a mini italian loaf. At first I thought some secret admirer had left me a loaf of bread. Lots of guys do stuff like that because I'm so good looking. But then I noticed there were a couple of pieces of bread missing from the center of the loaf. Oh my god you guys, how gross is that? What sort of freak leaves a partly eaten loaf of bread on another persons desk? I really think they were trying to disguise the fact that some bread was missing since the heal was so snug up against the rest of the loaf. And how gross is it that someone had their hands all over some of the bread in order to take those middle slices?

So did anyone see the sick freak that left this stuff on my desk? I'm not sure why anyone would leave partially eaten food on my desk, but I don't want it to happen again. Can't something be done about this type of stuff? I mean, I'm okay with the jewelry that's been left for me by my secret admirer, but I dont' want some weirdo leaving their gross food on my desk.

So knock it off, you guys!

Tuesday, January 02, 2007

Unfortunate Error in Dinner Dance Invitation

All ZU employees who have not already opened the email about the celebratory dinner dance party are advised to discard it immediately. Unfortunately the link for the event's website was typed incorrectly. Anyone clicking on the link was immediately brought to an adult website. So please, do NOT click on the link if you are offended by adult practices that should only be undertaken in the privacy of your own home.

We are still unsure whether this was a legitimate error or a prank. I can assure you that if this is found to be one of the famous ZUFUN (Zero Unlimited Fratboy Unholy Nightmare) pranks, it will not be looked upon favorably, and there will be severe repercussions for the participants.

ZU is will have a counselor on site for the rest of the week, and if anyone needs any counseling beyond that, please notify human resources.

We apologize for any inconvenience, and assure everyone that the dinner dance celebration will be held as scheduled.
Kevin Roberts

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

Search Engine Shenanigans a la ZU

I would like to take a moment to annouce that one of the most recent hits on our website was because of a search done by someone in England looking for "photograph of abba cat dresses."

We are living in truly international times, people. Thank you for all contributing to our forum so that we can be a part of this global conversation.

Other recent hits on our site have been because of these searches. And no, I didn't make any of these up, they're all from the Site Meter reports.
  • dandelion killers

  • old creepy

  • jeans poisonous chemicals

  • do kids mistake medicine for candy? (there were a lot of these)

  • subtle flasher (is that you, Mysterious Stranger, or a cousin?)

  • candy filled clogs (please don't be alarmed, John)

  • don't use the soap dispensers (is there something I should know about?)

  • go to hell kitty baxter (this one was from Taiwan!)

  • kevin roberts (stop thinking you're such a hottie, dude)

  • vandalism by employees

  • Wow. Keep up the good work, you weirdos. Beer and sausages for the Christmas luncheon on ME!!!

    Saturday, November 25, 2006

    Grossest Thing Ever

    Oh my god, you guys! I opened up the door to the lab and a fly just fell on my head. Ewww!! It was so gross. I felt something hit my hair, reached up and it was a fly. I feel so sick right now. That's just so disgusting. How does a fly just fall onto someone's head? It's not like people haven't been going in and out the door all day. I mean, does it just perch up there waiting to swoop down on someone who doesn't like flies in their hair? God if there's one thing I hate it's having bugs in my hair. It just gives me the creeps. Yuck!! If I find out someone set that on top of the door so that it would drop on me, that person will wish they'd never been born. Creep!

    Friday, November 24, 2006

    Vote for a Company Slogan

    As most of you are aware, ZU is entertaining the idea of a new slogan. Suggestion boxes were put in each zone of the complex so that employees can feel a part of the slogan making process. So let's take a look at the suggestions from zone six.

    1. top secret product development is our middle name
    2. we've got the lunatic Freeman, what have you got
    3. protecting your future from the evil of clogs
    4. the most trusted name in Top Secret Production
    5. this is not your personal war
    6. damn, that's fine monkey
    7. you'll hire us and you'll like it
    8. top secret solutions for a world spinning violently off it's axis
    9. we don't experiment on your children
    10. we're ripe with monkey powder
    11. trust us or die
    12. if you don't stop bugging me, I swear I'll kill you
    13. Zeppelin Rocks!!

    I'm sorry to say many of the suggestions used completely inappropriate language and were not included in this selection.

    Friday, November 10, 2006

    Strange and Creepy, yes it's ZU

    Hello. The Mysterious Stranger here. I just thought our employees would be interested to know that even though this is a blog to disseminate information to the ZU workforce, that the top keyword searches for people coming to our little slice of heaven is:

    1. strange conversations
    2. old creepy names
    3. turkey dressed as Santa

    I'd say this sums up our workplace pretty accurately.

    Friday, October 27, 2006

    Are Your Pants Missing?

    I was just the main corridor in zone six where all was fine and dandy until I started down the hallway that branches off towards Research.

    I decided to take a short cut through the Rally Room – which I believe is more commonly referred to as Lunatic Freeman’s “Night of the Long Knives” Room - when I practically stumbled across a pair of jeans on the bottom row of the bleachers.

    I’m don't mean new or laundered jeans which someone accidentally forgot. I mean jeans that were worn as the person entered the complex! Not only did these jeans have a belt, but they still somewhat retained the shape of the wearers legs!

    This is most disturbing as I am not sure if some poor fellow is wondering where his pants are, or if there is a not so subtle flasher somewhere in the building. People mistakenly leave their coffee cups all over the complex, so perhaps someone wasn’t thinking clearly and mislaid their jeans.

    Could everyone please look down and see if they are still wearing their pants? I think this would solve the problem quickly.

    Thursday, October 19, 2006

    We're Changing Our Name

    Dudes, I just want to let everyone know that our department voted on a name change last night. So from now on, the Department of Facility Maintenance (DFM) will be known as Facility Maintenance (FM).

    Everyone was sick of hearing the jokes about our department being called Dumbfounded Men. So now we're just FM, and no more jokes about us being stupid because Founded Men doesn't make any sense.

    And before anyone gives me crap about this, I'm just the person who was elected to make the announcement, not the one who came up with the new name.

    Friday, August 04, 2006

    Employee Handbook Vandalism

    I am glad to hear that many employees have already complied with the request to read the Hazardous Waste section of the Employee Handbook. However it is upsetting to hear that almost all of the handbooks have been vandalized.

    There have been many complaints about comments that were written in the section entitled "How do I determine if I generate Hazardous Waste?" It is not appropriate, nor amusing, to write insults in the handbook about employees with flatulence or bowel problems.

    This also applies to the sections entitle, "Is my waste listed as hazardous waste?" and "Still confused if your waste is hazardous?"

    Hazardous Waste is a serious safety issue, not only for our employees, but also for the environment. Please be more sensitive to the feelings of those you work with and stop writing in the handbooks. We don't need another fiasco like last years Martian Death Book debacle.

    Wednesday, August 02, 2006

    Hazardous Waste is No Laughing Matter

    I'd like to remind everyone working in the labs that any hazardous waste must be disposed of properly. I'm not sure if people don't know how to identify dangerous chemicals or whether they are just plain lazy.

    Therefore, anyone who works in the labs, maintenance, shipping, and the administration of those departments need to read the Hazardous Waste Determination and Disposal section of the ZU Employee Handbook. Copies of the handbook are available in the conference room in each zone.

    If we all comply with these important safety issues, ZU will be a safer and happier place to work.

    Tuesday, August 01, 2006

    Strange Conversations

    I swear I just heard someone walk past my desk say something to themselves about finding a "five-pound bag of poop" ... I think I've been working here too long.

    Thursday, July 27, 2006

    What is that Moo-ing?

    I just heard moo-ing coming from the hallway. Does anyone know what it is? My office can't agree. So far the guesses are:

    1. a cow is running amuck in the corridor
    2. Mr. Freeman has decided to hire a cow to patrol the complex
    3. the sex offender in the freight area is pretending to be a cow again
    4. Mr. Freeman has decided to lift Kevin's ban on "Cow on a Forklift" Day
    5. The retarded kid from down the street has snuck into the complex again

    Can anyone confirm what is going on? Or is it more of Mr. Freeman's shenanigan's again?

    Truly I fear that we shall soon see one of the following entering our office, and I'm not sure which is more horrifying, especially when they have guns or flames coming out of their mouths.

    Thursday, July 13, 2006

    Filing Rubber Chickens?!

    Who has been leaving the rubber chickens all over the place? I went to file some papers and found one with its head sticking out of the filing cabinet and the drawer closed on its neck. Then I heard that someone over in Finance found one in their "In" tray.

    I mean, what the heck are we supposed to do with something like this when we find it in the office???

    Patricia Geraghty
    Clerical Staff

    Thursday, June 22, 2006

    Gas Leak?

    Oh my god, you guys! What is that smell? It smells like gasoline, natural gas, or some type of chemical is being pumped into the building. It's really gross and very strong. Everyone is worried about what sort of fumes we're breathing.

    Figures its only staff here right now. You know if the big shots were here, they'd fix it right away. But we're only administrative, so they're going to wait to send someone over to see if we're being poisoned or if the office is going to explode.

    We called the OSHA office, but they told us to call maintenance because their director is doing a seminar. Then we called maintenance and they told us to call OSHA. Oh my god you guys, they told us to call YOU!? Then they said to call some other guy, which is just riduculous. If this poisonous chemicals, we're all going to the hospital because no one wants to get off their ass and do their job.

    Everytime we call maintenance, they totally blow us off. I swear, what is the use of paying them when their whole attitude is "that's not my job, call someone else"??!! I'll bet if I was shot by a disgrunted person and needed help, I'd have to go to their web site, find the proper form, put in my thirty six digit account number, and wait weeks for them to respond.

    I think we're going to have to die before anyone takes care of this.

    Monday, June 19, 2006

    Security Door Damaged

    Last month all ZU employees were notified that there would be a security key card system installed on the zone eight basement door. This was also discussed during the mandatory employee meeting. And before anyone asks, yes that was the meeting that has come to be known as "The Day of Meat Mayhem".

    Since the card system was installed last week, my office has received numerous complaints. So let me make this perfectly clear - in order to access the basement in zone eight, employees need an ID card that has been activated to open that door. Here is a basic primer for using the security system.

    When the light is red, the door is locked. No amount of pulling or pushing will open it. This is a security system, people. Please refrain from damaging the door by throwing objects or yourself against it.

    To open the door, wave your ZU issued security key card in front of the red light. If done correctly, the light will turn green, and you may open the door. Please note that not all cards open this area. Access has been given only to the people who need to enter as part of their jobs.

    So let's recap, shall we?

    1. Do not kick, punch, stab, or attempt to burn the door.
    2. Do not throw yourself up against the door or use other employees as battering rams.
    3. You must use an officially issued ZU security key card. Using ID cards from other places of employment, like KFC or Embassy Suites, will not work.
    4. If you do not need access to this area as part of your employment, your security card will NOT allow access to this area.
    5. It is not appropriate to stand next to the door waiting for someone with authorized card access so that you can follow them into the basement.
    6. Painting the security light green is not helpful in any way.
    7. Not only do you need your card to get into the basement, you also need it to get out. In other words, if you find a way to sneak into the basement, you'd better be able to sneak out the same way - although I would strongly advise you not to sneak in.

    I hope I've made myself clear. If there are any other problems with people trying to dismantle or destroy the security system, they will be dealt with quite harshly.

    Kevin Roberts